So yesterday was my one year anniversary and I'm still smiling from it. It wasn't nearly as fancy or as well planned out as our six-month anniversary, but it was still a night with Chris, so I was so happy.

For our six-month anniversary, we had dinner at the fanciest, most expensive steakhouse in town, then went to see Shakespeare's Julius Caesar, then spent the night together. For our one year anniversary, we had dinner at Boston Pizza, then went for coffee at Tim Horton's, then he dropped me off at my grandma's and went home at the end of the night. It's kind of sad, in a way. Not because I'm someone who demands expensive things all the time, but because it would have been nice to have had things planned out. Like I said, I'm still very happy I got almost a whole night with Chris all to myself. That never happens anymore.

At first, it was rough. We've been fighting a lot lately and I wasn't really sure how last night was going to go. We exchanged gifts in the truck (he got to drive the truck without one of his parents tagging along! Yay!) and he was very happy with his season one of Supernatural on DVD and his new book Mr. T versus Chuck Norris. I felt bad, because he always gives me such beautiful and romantic gifts, and I always give him things that he likes, but that are thoroughly unromantic. He gave me a beautiful unicorn jewelry box. It's a round shape with a rearing unicorn standing on the top and it has a Celtic design. It's absolutely gorgeous. He also gave me cast iron antique horse bookends, which are also beautiful, but extremely heavy. I could barely lift them. I love my gifts so much! Anything would have made me happy if it came from Chris, but these are exceptionally wonderful. I can't stop staring at my unicorn jewelry box on my dresser and smiling.

We had no idea where we were going, because neither of us know Toronto very well (yet I've been living here for nearly a year now... go figure) and we ended up driving aimlessly for a long time. Chris hates driving on highways and I quickly learned that driving on the highway with him is a nightmare and to avoid it at all costs. He's not comfortable driving that fast and he gets flustered and nervous and misses all his exits, then snaps at whoever's in the car with him when they try to help, which happened to be me last night. We had a map with us and he kept telling me to read the map for him and tell him where to go, but he knows that I can't read maps very well. I tried my best to read it and help him, but I kept misreading things and getting confused and making mistakes and he got mad at me for it. Finally, I stopped trying to read the map for him. Every time I tried, I got snapped at and I just felt stupid and embarrassed, so I gave up. I handed the map to him instead, then he got mad at me for that and snapped at me that he couldn't read the map while he was driving.

We got to Boston Pizza in damp spirits, but cheered up over dinner. We were both starving and hadn't eaten all day so we completely cleaned up everything we ordered between the two of us, including dessert, which was delicious. Our waiter was an idiot, though. After our meal, he left us waiting there for fourty minutes for the bill, then he came up to us at almost ten o'clock, telling us we needed to leave because they were closing and asked us if we wanted the bill. I snapped at him that that's what we'd been waiting for for the last fourty minutes and he apologized, saying that he thought we were just "hanging out". Wouldn't we have ordered coffee or something if we were just "hanging out"? Poor Chris felt awful, because he accidentally left one less twenty dollar bill than he should have and the waiter had to come chasing us in the parking lot for the money, but I assured him the waiter knew that he had just miscounted. Most people who don't want to pay for their meals skip out on them completely, rather than just leaving less. That seemed to make him feel better.

After dinner, he asked me what I wanted to do. I told him we could see a movie, but that I wanted to just sit and talk with him somewhere because it's been months since we've been able to just sit and talk face to face. He seemed like he really wanted to see a movie, though, so I said we could see a movie, but then he got mad again, saying that I should just tell him what I wanted to do and when I explained to him that I just didn't want him spending a lot more money on me that night, so talking over coffee would be better than seeing a movie, but that I thought he wanted to see a movie, which is why I said to see a movie, he snapped at me that driving the truck around aimlessly trying to decide what to do was costing him a lot of money. He is right about that. I always forget that, because I don't drive. I am concerned about him spending a lot of money, because I know he needs it for school, so I always try to look for things that cost the least amount of money for us to do, but I don't think about how much money it's costing him to drive the car around while I think of something less expensive to do. I apologized and told him he's right, but that I forget about that a lot because I don't drive.

We ended up stopping at Tim Horton's for coffee, but that was rough, too. We mostly bickered and argued and I got fed up and said all we do is fight now and he got mad and told me that all I do is focus on the bad stuff. I hate it when he says that to me. It really hurts. I'm still trying to figure out if it hurts because it's true and I don't want to admit it, or if it hurts because it's not true and it's painful to know that he thinks that. In any case, it still hurts. I just kind of fell silent and didn't say much else. I talked a bit about how I feel like left out with my friends because they're all old enough to drink and go to casinos and gamble and I'm not, and even if I was, I'm uncomfortable with being around that stuff, anyway. It never used to be a problem to hang out with them in high school, because none of my friends really did that stuff and they enjoyed just being with me. Now, they usually want to go to bars or casinos, occasionally a club or two and when I ask them if they could do something that I could be included in (which I don't do very often, because I feel bad for doing it), they say sure but then make a big deal about how I'm inconveniencing them and how they'd rather be drinking and partying than hanging out with me. It really sucks. I don't know, I don't think it's a bad thing to have my morals. I'm happy living by them. I don't think I should be made to feel bad for having them. Someone told me once that I let my whole life be controlled by fear, and since then, I can't get that out of my head. I know it's not completely true, maybe in some respects, but that's not the full picture. I'm happy with the way I am. Why do I need to be made to feel bad about it?

Anyway, I'm going off on a tangent. We got back to my grandma's house and things immediately went from rocky to wonderful. My whole family was in bed and Chris said he could stay for a while, so I turned on the TV and we watched Babar, because there was nothing else on. It was kind of tense, but I don't even know how this happened; one minute, we were sitting apart from each other on the couch, looking moodily at each other and the next minute, we were in each other's arms, sobbing and telling each other how sorry we were for everything and how much we love each other. It was so beautiful. We've recently been going through a really hard time. I'm not going to go into the details, but about a week or so ago, we got into the most horrible fight and I was so hurt and furious that I took everything that he ever gave me and everything that reminded me of him and put it away because I couldn't stand to look at any of it. Since then, the relationship's been extremely strained, but last night was such a release. We needed to see each other face to face. I needed to know by looking into his eyes that he was truly sorry and that he really did love me. He needed to know by looking into my eyes how badly he hurt me and how much I still loved him. We finally got that and we just held each other and cried for an hour, but it was a good cry. It was a release cry; like we were getting rid of all the bad stuff so that we could start over fresh and experience good times again. It felt so good to be held after going through all of that alone. I know that didn't magically make all our problems disappear, and I also know that I'm not going to be able to fully trust and forgive him for a long time, but last night was the breaking of the wall between us. It couldn't have happened on a better night than our one-year anniversary.

By one in the morning, Chris said he had to go because he needed to work the next day and he told his parents he'd leave around midnight, so I walked him to the door. We didn't stop kissing goodnight for fifteen minutes and he actually picked me up and was half-way to the truck with me, about to take me back with him when he remembered how angry my grandparents would be with him for kidnapping me and he reluctantly put me back down. I was so sad; I wanted to go with him, and of course I sat up, worrying about him like I always do until he texted me, saying he got home safe.

Our one year anniversary turned into the brand new start we both needed.

Sorry it's been a while since I last posted. I suppose it's not a terribly long hiatus, but anyway, here I am again. Not sure how long this post is going to be, but we'll see what happens.

So the situation with Guelph and Manny and Shannon hasn't changed since my last blog entry. Manny came here once or twice to yell at me, and I called Shannon once to ask her to pay my Internet bill, reminding her that this school year isn't finished yet, and she only said she'd stop paying for me after the school year ended, so I got my Internet bill paid. Other than that, I haven't talked to them at all. I've been talking to my brother, Andrew, regularly. He's kind of annoying, but he's not really involved in the Guelph issue, so there's no point in cutting off contact with him when he has nothing to do with the conflict.

It looks like my best option is living in Bolton with Alex right now. She talked to her mom and according to her the conversation went (very roughly) like this:

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ALEX. So Mum, how would you feel about a third person living with us?

ALEX'S MOM. What? No! ... wait, who?

ALEX. Ashleigh. Her parents have pretty much kicked her out because she wants to move to a school where she'll be happier. Now she's trying to make enough money to go there on her own, but it's tough and she has nowhere to live this summer. It's just a bad situation for her, all around.

ALEX'S MOM. Ummm... I'll have to think about it.

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Apparently, Alex says that this is a good sign. She thinks her mom is okay with it after hearing about my situation, but she needs to get the okay from their landlord. Last I heard, her mom was kind of seeing, but not quite officially dating the landlord... I think... (sorry if that's inaccurate, Alex. Feel free to correct me in your comment), so I think that might help my situation, but I don't want to get too smug or confident just yet. I really hope it works out. Along with getting to see Alex a lot more, I'll be able to see Chris a lot more, too. His mom works in Bolton, and he drives her back and forth from there a lot. Alex's house is also within walking distance to a Tim Horton's and a Subway, so I can get jobs there. I really hope I can live with you this summer, Alex! I'll even help you clean your room! REALLY clean it, like organize everything and alphabetize your book and CD collections! Yay! Cleanliness and organization!

I still need to email Guelph and ask them if their June 1st deadline for transcripts has an exception for transferring York students this year. My exams don't end until June 2nd because of the strike and my marks don't get put onto my transcript until ten days after my final examination. This is completely beyond my control, and 0% my fault and 100% York's and CUPE 3903's fault, so I hope Guelph makes an allowance for my case. I've also been calling STA with no answer, which is extremely aggravating. I've called four times in the last two days and not once has anyone picked up the damn phone. I even redirect myself to Student Services, but they won't pick up, either. I left a message and hopefully someone with a brain will get it and know what to do about it when school starts again on Monday. It should not be this difficult to get a transcript sent somewhere. I asked Andrew if he'd go to the Student Services office and ask about it for me, but he wouldn't, because he's lazy. I'll ask Chris the next day he has off work.

So I know I'm going to sound like a geek, but that's okay, I don't mind. I've started drawing webcomics on Photoshop and The Sims 3 has just released three great new interactive teasers. All of these advertisements, promotional videos and activities are just getting me more and more anxious for the release date (JUNE 2ND in Canada, whooo!). The teasers are SimSocial, Sim Friend and SimsSidekick. SimSocial is basically a mini-version of The Sims 3 you can play online. I wouldn't really call it a demo, because it's not really the actual game and is much less in-depth than the real thing, but it serves to show people how the game generally functions. It's pretty sweet. I only stopped playing it today to go out to dinner with Chris. You can play it as a Facebook application or on The Sims 3 website, but I've been having problems playing the game on The Sims 3 website, so I've been playing it on Facebook. Sim Friend is pretty cool, too. You pick a Sim from a selection and from then on, you become their friend. That friend will send you emails, asking you for advice in order to help advance their careers, love lives and general happiness. If you give them good advice, they'll be more successful in their lives and win achievements and gain trust in you. You can go online to see all of their success/failures and to look at how well you're helping to manage their lives. If you give them bad advice, they'll be miserable and if you consistently give them bad advice, they'll quit being your friend altogether. My friend is Selma. She just got abducted by aliens outside a nightclub and I told her to go see a doctor to look at the mysterious lump behind her ear, haha! Oh, Sims, how I love thee! SimsSidekicks is a web application that lets you browse the Internet with one of the Sims in The Sims 3 as your buddy. They basically just hang out in the top left corner of your screen and do different animations depending on their personalities and what site you go to. Apparently, Firefox is supposed to be releasing a plugin for SimsSidekick soon so you can go to any website you want with your SimsSidekick and you don't need to use the separate browser underneath your Sim to browse the Internet with them. You can just use your regular Firefox browser.

So going back to the webcomics; I know I've probably said before that I'm not really into webcomics, but I do like to give new artsy things a try. My friend, Maggie (I mostly call her Mags) has a webcomic called Lord Knows. I was having a three-way chat with her and Alex on Skype a little while ago and Alex suggested that Maggie have guest strips on her website. She thought it was a great idea, so both Alex and I volunteered. I did a very poor drawing on Photoshop (I don't have a tablet and my scanner's a piece of shit so I couldn't draw it by hand and scan it into the computer to colour) and gave it to Mags, who loved it for some reason. So I drew another guest strip for her and she loved that one even more. She says I have a knack for webcomics, and I figured since they're fun to do, I'd start some of my own. I don't think I'll post mine online, though. I really don't want to stray too far away from writing, but webcomics really are fun to do. I just finished my first one of my own, but I want Alex and Mags' opinion on it. Unfortunately, they're spending the weekend camping in Marilyn's backyard with like a hundred million other people and lots of booze. Not really my thing. I love camping, but I don't like strangers or being around alcohol and I ESPECIALLY don't like those things together. I was going to go, anyway. Marilyn invited Chris and me, but after I told her to go to Hell and rot there, I uninvited myself. Chris said he wouldn't go if I didn't and assured me he was fine with not going and that he'd probably be busy working, anyway. I have to wait for Alex and Mags to get back tomorrow to get a critique on my first comic strip of my own. In the meantime, I'm taking advantage of Alex's absence to catch up to her level in Restaurant City, mwhahahahaha!!!!

Today was a lovely day. I had dinner with Chris at the Pickle Barrel at Yorkdale today and then we browsed around Indigo for a bit. I only got about three hours with him, maximum, but it was still so nice to see him and he made a really big effort to get enough time off to come visit me since he knows I've been going through a really hard time essentially alone. Overall, it was a nice dinner, but just a note to any vegetarians who don't like zucchini or eggplant, don't eat at the Pickle Barrel. Everything vegetarian (which isn't a lot to begin with) has zucchini and/or eggplant in it. I had to order a pasta and specifically request that they don't put any zucchini in it. I had a really good pomegranate smoothie, though. I haven't been able to afford a smoothie in months. It was nice to be taken out to dinner, as bad as I feel for making Chris pay. Hopefully, his anniversary gifts will make up for it, but I won't say what they are in case he reads this before he gets his gifts on our anniversary. I think I'm going to have to make him another card and wrapping paper, unfortunately, but he seemed to love it the last time. He even insisted on keeping the wrapping paper I made, haha!

Lately, I've been feeling really neglected by him, but I know it's not his fault. His stupid, whiny, childish family demands all of his attention all the time and his time on the computer is limited, plus with all the work he has to do he just doesn't have any time for me. That's why seeing him tonight was so important to me. It's just hard going from getting texts from him every fifteen minutes and hours on the computer with him every night to being lucky if I get three texts a day and maybe an hour on the computer with him every other day or so... When he's able to, he spends all his time with me, he just isn't able to most of the time right now. He says his dad is looking into buying a car for him and his sister and since it's not likely that Danielle's ever going to get her license, he'll have it pretty much to himself so I'm hoping that means we'll get to see each other more and have an anniversary to ourselves without parental chauffeurs.

Anyway, I think I'm done this post.

See ya!

Okay, I'm no longer having panic attacks and fits of uncontrollable hysterics over this, so I think I can write about it.

My parents found out about Guelph today.

Apparently, they got a letter in the mail, saying I'd applied. I knew the letter was going to get to my house at some point soon, but I was hoping it would hold off until after Mother's Day so I wouldn't upset her for Mother's Day.

Anyway, instead of calling me right away to find out what was going on and talk to me directly about it, my mom started posting mean and nasty things about me all over Facebook where all our friends could see it. I didn't even know about it until I went online to look at my Facebook notifications. When I saw it, I just told her to please stop posting personal stuff about us on Facebook where everyone can see and she basically just kept coming back with things like "i cn say wut i feel. ur the 1 bein imatoore!!!!!!" For the record, she actually types this way. I'm not making exaggerations to make her seem dumber than she really is. That's actually the way she is.

I just kept repeating to her to stop posting things about me on Facebook and she kept doing it. Then she called me, screaming and cussing at me. I never once raised my voice to her during that conversation and repeatedly asked her to speak calmly to me but she just kept screaming and swearing. She said that from now on, she and my dad refuse to ever pay a penny on me again. I can buy my own clothes, food, and pay for my own cell phone bill, tuition and books, and that they won't ever bail me out for anything, so don't bother asking them. She also told me that she was going to personally write a letter to the OSAP office and make sure they never give me any money to pay for school by telling them how much money my dad makes and that they were still supporting me. Essentially, she's trying to cripple me so I'll come crawling back under her complete control. That's not going to happen. I'd rather be homeless than controlled and manipulated out of my own happiness.

She ended up hanging up on me, then posted on her public Facebook wall so everyone could see that she doesn't want me to come home for Mother's Day. I won't say this didn't hurt. It did, but if that's what she wants, fine. Now I think she's trying to take it back and ask me to come home, but she made her choice. Now she has to live with it.

She even went so far as to email Chris and bully him into changing my mind. She basically told him that if he loves me, he'll make me stay at York because he knows that I'm throwing away all my dreams for him (WHICH ISN'T TRUE! I swear, she cannot get the fact that Chris is not an integral reason for the school transfer through her thick skull!) She lost any rights she had as my mother the second she tried to use the man I love against me. I will NEVER stand there and let him be used as a pawn! If my mother can't see that he is a human being deserving of only love and consideration for his well-being and happiness, then she's pathetic! I know better.

Chris basically just told her that he loves and supports me, no matter what decision I make.

Then Chris told me that Marilyn's started talking to him, otherwise RUDELY butting into my business, asking him what the hell was going on with me lately and why is my mom so upset with me. Newsflash: You're NOT my friend, Marilyn! My business is no longer your business as well! Keep your nose out of it, and most of all, keep Chris out of it!

None of this has been fair to him. He never asked to have all of this put on him, and never wanted to get involved in all of this directly, other than to comfort me personally through it. Now, both Shannon (from this point on, I'm not acknowledging her as my mother) and Marilyn have dragged him into this and made him the issue, when none of this has anything to do with him.

I was mad at Marilyn for being so rude to me about her concerns and expecting me not to go in the casino and be alone in Niagara Falls. I wasn't mad at her over Chris until she made it about Chris and basically made me choose. So I did. I don't regret my choice, either.

I was mad at Shannon for not listening to my reasons why I want to go to Guelph. The whole issue is the fact that she wants me to stay at York for the program (which I can't even get into for another two fucking years), and I want to go to Guelph for the better atmosphere, because I believe I'll do better in school when I'm happy at my school. She turned York vs. Guelph into Future/Parents vs. Chris, which is very unfair and ignorant of her, because she hasn't listened to me once when I tell her truthfully there is a whole huge list of reasons why I love the school and want to go there that don't involve Chris. She turned an issue that wasn't about Chris into a choice between her and Chris! In that case, I chose Guelph over York and not necessarily Chris over her, but that's how she views it.

Everyone's making separate issues into Chris issues, which is very unfair to Chris. He hasn't done anything wrong, and he's being blamed for every decision I make. I feel so awful for him. He doesn't deserve any of this. I keep trying to shield him from it and I keep telling them to leave him alone, because he isn't the issue, but they just won't stop bringing him into everything. I just want to (temporarily and figuratively) lock him up in a word-proof, harassment-proof room until they all go away where he can't get interrogated, verbally attacked or hurt. He's being punished for loving his girlfriend and supporting her decisions and that isn't right on any level.

I've lost track of time now, but a little while ago, my dad called me to yell at me. Turns out that not only is Shannon immature, but a dirty liar, too. He started yelling at me to keep our personal business off of Facebook. WOAH! HOLD UP THERE! EXCUSE ME??? Apparently, she told him that I was posting horrible statuses about her all over Facebook and she kept trying to tell me to stop, but I wouldn't and it was breaking her poor little innocent heart. You. Fucking. Dirty. Nasty. Vindictive. Vengeful. Hateful. LIAR!!!!! I told him the evidence was plain as day and to go look on Facebook himself if he didn't believe that her whole story was the other way around. Later, I went back on Facebook to re-add Joanna as a friend, since she's trying to work things out with me civilly and therefore I still feel inclined to patch up the friendship between us, and saw that Shannon had deleted every comment between us on her statuses! Now my dad has nothing but her word against mine, and he's never believed my word over hers. Never. I know she's going to twist everything and tell him that I just wouldn't keep our business off of Facebook and that I humiliated and embarrassed her in front of everyone; basically, every rotten thing she did to me! She always does that! She twists the truth to make her seem like the innocent victim when she's really the one making everyone else around her miserable, just like her own crazy mother! I just hope my dad has enough sense to look at her statuses, compare them to mine and see for himself that all of hers say something mean about me and my statuses don't mention any of this at all, but he won't. He'll just swallow any bullshit story she crams down his throat.

Now my cousin's talking to me on MSN. Shannon called my Aunt Michelle in hysterics and Devynn heard all about it so of course she hopped online to talk to me about it. I know she's trying to help, but she isn't going to make me change my mind on this. I'm not going back home, not while I'm constricted by her money and her rules. I know it's her house and the people in it have to obey her rules, but I also have the choice to decline living there if I don't like the conditions I'm bound to. I don't know where I'll stay during the summer, though. It will break my heart if I have to stay here and deal with an isolated and lonely summer, just like I had to deal with an isolated and lonely year.

I don't think OSAP can deny me money if they still think I'm in enough need of it, despite what Shannon writes to them. I'm not even sure if they're allowed to consider letters from pissed off mothers in their decisions if the student is eighteen or older. I don't think so...

Another bad thing on top of not being able to be home on Mother's Day is not being able to go to Chris' 20th birthday party. I'm trapped here, and that breaks my heart. The worst part is, even if I were to go home, I probably wouldn't be able to go, because his party's on Mother's Day and even if I split the day up between Shannon and Chris, Shannon would still be convinced that I'm choosing Chris over her. It's awful and heartbreaking. Why can't I be there for BOTH of them? I also had plans to see Chris' friends on Saturday, which can't happen now, and I know they're going to think I bailed out on them on purpose because I don't like them and that will make them hate me even more than they already do. Chris says he'll just tell them I'm busy with exams and that they'll understand, but I doubt it.

Awwww! Devynn and Uncle Ted are the best! I finally have two people who believe me and agree with me and want me to do what makes ME happy. Uncle Ted even told me that he's proud of me. That made me cry (good tears). That means so much to me. I don't feel like anybody's proud of me right now...

My head is pounding, I can hardly stand it; I can't seem to unclench my jaw, and I'm dizzy and nauseous. I need to end this blog here. Besides, there's nothing more to say.

So, while it was true that I ended my friendships with Marilyn and Joanna last night, I got an email from Joanna today, asking if we could work things out. At first, I was just going to flare up again and rudely blow her off, but then I remembered that Marilyn was the nasty bitch who insulted me and verbally attacked me on Facebook with no provocation, not Joanna, so I decided to write back to her and be calm about everything, since she was doing as much for me.

I wish I could just post both the conversation Marilyn and I had and the conversation Joanna and I had word-for-word right here on my blog. It would save a lot of typing and reiterating of what happened, but seeing as how I just recently explained to Alex that I didn't think it was right of her to quote me without my knowledge or permission, I'd be a hypocrite if I did the same thing to Joanna and Marilyn, as much as I hate Marilyn. That probably wouldn't please Alex at all, and I don't need to lose another friend. They were few and far between before, now they're severely dwindling into nothing.

I guess I'm just going to have to settle for reiterations. I'll use some direct phrases, but I won't reveal what's directly from them and I will also try to be as unbiased as possible in explaining the conversations. I'll quote myself, though. I'm not ashamed of anything I wrote.

I'm pretty sure I've already explained the whole situation with Joanna's birthday party and me bringing Chris. I know I probably made it seem like I just wanted an excuse to spend a night in Niagara Falls with Chris in my earlier posts, but you must remember that I had been fueling bitter hurt and resentment towards Marilyn and Joanna for a long time over them ignoring me and leaving me out of important outings. Of course getting a night together is nice, but the real reason I wanted to bring Chris is because I knew I'd be left alone in the hotel room while everyone else went to the casino and I wanted to bring someone with me who I could spend time with during those hours. Marilyn assumed I just used Joanna's birthday as an excuse to have sex with him (at least that's what she implied). I don't know why she would jump to a conclusion like that about someone like me or about someone like Chris.

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ASHLEIGH. 1. Is Chris permitted to attend the May 24 weekend at your place? If so, are there any particular rules about men and women sharing tents? It doesn't matter to either of us either way. I just wanted to be clear on it.

2. Are you planning on bringing Dylan to Jo's birthday in Niagara Falls? I know she said we could bring our boyfriends if we wanted and I asked Chris. He doesn't know if his dad's birthday will interfere and I'm not sure whether my cousin's birthday will interfere, but if it works out, we're both going. Also, the same question as your May 24 weekend applies. What's the situation with men and women sharing rooms? Again, not a huge deal, but it'd be nice to stay with Chris. I was just wondering if you knew what Jo's rules were.

MARILYN. (rough but accurate paraphrase) I already invited him to May 24. I don't care about tent arrangements. It's fine if you guys share. No, I haven't invited Dylan to Jo's party and you should ask her about sleeping arrangements.

ASHLEIGH. Oh, it's been a while since you sent out the invites, so I forgot who you invited and who you didn't. Sorry. :P

Okay, I will. I hope she doesn't get all weirded out by it. Well, if the only reason you're not bringing Dylan is because no one else is bringing their boyfriends, I'm bringing Chris if he can go, so you should invite him along if you want him to come. :)

So I heard you decided to go to Georgian after turning down... Canadore, is it? Congratulations. Wish someone would have told me about it, though.

MARILYN. I'm not inviting Dylan because it's Jo's birthday and I want to spend it with her and my friends. He's busy that weekend, anyway. I didn't tell anyone about Georgian. Just posted it on Facebook.

(I admittedly got a little snippy here, but I think keeping my answer short was the best way to go to avoid venting anger).

ASHLEIGH. Well, I never get to see Chris so I'm taking him.

MARILYN. That's not a good reason. It's Jo's birthday. I understand you don't see him much, but using Joanna's birthday as an excuse to spend a night with him is really pathetic. No one else is bringing their boyfriends because we know it's Jo's birthday, and you know Jo would never say to us we couldn't, but for once actually think about your friend for and not Chris.

(and here's me getting angry, but attempting to be as diplomatic as possible)

ASHLEIGH. Well, even you can admit that neither you or Jo have been very nice to me the last few months. You've both ignored me completely for the past two months, if not longer and then your idea of "including" me again is to invite me on a trip where I'll be stuck in a hotel room by myself all night long because I can't get into the casino? Um, thanks but no thanks. I want to celebrate Jo's birthday with the rest of you, but I don't want to be left behind all alone all night. I'm bringing Chris so that I'll be able to have SOME fun and go out and do something while you guys leave me out all night, and you know what?

If Jo lets the fact that I brought my boyfriend along so that I won't be lonely and left out the five or more hours you guys will be drinking and gambling ruin her whole birthday, then it's because she LET it ruin her birthday.

(and here's where Marilyn lost the right to be my friend)

MARILYN. Excuse me?! You haven't exactly talked to us or tried to communicate with us either. It's a two way street. If you didn't like the casino idea, why didn't you talk to Jo instead of making your own plans around her birthday? We won't be in the casino all night. Niagara Falls has a LOT of stuff to do. Why don't you for once think and communicate instead of assuming what is a lot of bullshit. There would be other people, someone would have hung out with you.

Also, it's not just the birthday. You are constantly making plans with Chris, but when was the last time you tried calling us or made plans with us? When we ask you, you say you're hanging with Chris, so we have just given up. If you'd rather hang out with him than us, that's your choice, but don't go using Jo's birthday trip as a cover up for a night with him. If you'd rather be with him, go to a hotel with him somewhere else. Everyone else got the hint not to bring their boyfriends, but you are obviously clueless to social cues.

(and here's where I gave up being diplomatic and informed her she can go to hell)

ASHLEIGH. You know what? If you want me to choose between you and Chris, that's an easy choice. Chris has been there for me every single time I needed him throughout this awful year. You never have. It's pretty simple to me.

So don't bother talking to me or inviting me to any more of your events. You and Jo can be bestest buds again without me as a hindrance and a third wheel, because that's the way it's always been, hasn't it?

Chris and I will go and have a lovely time on our own, thank you very much.

Again, most of Marilyn's speech is paraphrased but I did do my best not to let my own emotions skew what was originally being said. The parts that were direct were not put into quotes, because I've already explained that I think quoting someone without their permission or knowledge is wrong.

----------

So that's that conversation. The next morning, I woke up and checked my email and Jo wrote to me. Again, I won't quote her, but she basically said that she wants to try to work things out and that she's sorry if she hurt me by ignoring me and excluding me. She never meant to, and that she's been hurting, too. I emailed her back with this:

Jo,

It's true I took you both off my Facebook last night. I was very angry. I probably shouldn't have taken you off my Facebook without talking to you first, though and I'm sorry for that, seeing as how Marilyn was the one who was so blatantly rude to me, not you. As for Marilyn, she said some really hurtful and mean things to me last night and to be quite honest, I don't really want to try to continue to have a relationship with her after that, which is unfortunate, because I know that's going to make it hard for the rest of us to hang out as a group. I would still be fine with going to group outtings with her, and wouldn't try to make things difficult and as much as I dislike Marilyn right now, I think she'd be mature enough not to do that, either.

She called me pathetic and implied that I was selfish for bringing Chris to your party when I knew it would bother you and that if I didn't know, then I obviously didn't clue into social cues very well. She seems to think that I only want to bring him as an excuse to stay in a hotel room with him in Niagara Falls, but that's not the reason at all. I just wanted someone to hang out with while you guys were all at the casino, so I wouldn't be left by myself in the hotel room. I wasn't planning on ignoring you on your birthday because of Chris. We both really wanted to be there for you and spend time with you, but I just didn't want to get left out while you were all at the casino and I knew Chris would want to go on the trip. I know you guys don't want him around all the time, but he really likes all of you. When you said it was up to us if we wanted to bring our boyfriends, I assumed that meant that you were fine with us bringing them, you just didn't want to pay for extra people, which is completely understandable. Niagara Falls is an expensive birthday (but a fun one)!

I know I'm younger than the rest of you and that I'm less of a partyer than all of you (not that you guys are wild and out of control, or anything. I'm just saying in comparison, I don't party as much [drinking, gambling, etc]), but that doesn't mean I should be left by myself. I know it's your birthday and that's what you want to do for your birthday and that's completely fine. I just wanted to make sure I'd have somebody there to go do something else with while I couldn't be with you, that's all. That's why I invited Chris. I know he doesn't really like gambling much, so he'd be fine with staying behind with me. I'd feel guilty asking someone else to stay behind with me, because I know everyone else wants to go to the casino.

Anyway, that was my reasoning behind inviting Chris. It wasn't to hurt you or to have an excuse to do whatever Marilyn thinks we would be doing there. I just knew there was going to be a few hours time period where I'd be alone, so I invited a guest who wanted to come along to avoid being alone for that period of time.

As for both of us being hurt by not spending time with each other, I guess we both kind of just got closer with the people it was easier to see. It was easy for you to see Marilyn, because you live so close together, and it was easy for me to see Chris because we both live in cities where public transportation is easily accessible without a car and it was easy to hop on a bus to go see each other for weekends. The thing that hurt me most was that you took the road trip without me and we were planning that together for a long time. It made me think that neither of you missed me at all and there've been times I've cried all night because I missed you guys. I don't know if that's actually the way it was, but that's how it felt to me and that felt unfair; that I should be hurting so much without you guys while neither of you remembered me. Again, I'm not saying that's actually true, just how I felt.

Anyway, I understand if I'm uninvited to Niagara Falls, because of the awkwardness between Marilyn and me. I would still like to go and so would Chris and I hope you're not as opposed to me bringing him now that you know there was no malicious or sexual intent behind it (as Marilyn seems to think). Marilyn made it seem like you were really upset by my decision to invite him, but I thought it was okay and that you would just say you'd rather not have them there if it was a problem. I went by what was posted on the event wall, since that was all the information available to me.

If you'd still rather neither of us came, then I guess that's your decision. It would disappoint me seeing as how Marilyn initiated this whole angry situation and yet I was the one left behind, and I would also feel guilty for leaving Chris behind after I invited him. I'm not trying to coerce you into doing one thing over another. I'm just being honest about how I would feel, which I think is fair considering all the misunderstandings and miscommunications that have happened over the past couple of days.

I think that's pretty much my whole side or viewpoint on the subject. I hope you email me back and at least you and I can salvage something of our friendship.

Ashleigh.

----------

She messaged me back, saying that I was never once uninvited to her birthday. As far as she's concerned, I'm her friend and she still wants me there to celebrate with her.

I'd still like to go, but I would feel guilty for going and leaving Chris behind after I already invited him to come. It's not fair to him at all. I know he was really excited to go. Besides, I don't want to go and get left by myself still, and them assigning someone to keep me occupied while they go is just going to make me feel bad for that person because he/she can't go, too and has to stay with me. It won't be any fun at all if I'm feeling guilty for making someone stay behind. I still really want Chris to go.

Besides, I might not be able to go, anyway, since a situation with my mom has rendered me penniless. That's a story for another blog entry, though.

I ended my friendships with Marilyn and Joanna today.

I feel shitty.

The End.

Just two points to add that I didn't in my previous entry today:

1. I have plans to hang out with my cousin on Monday! Yay! He's going to York next year for some kind of computer degree, and he's going to be at York on Monday to register for his courses. He's going to be doing registration stuff from 9:00am to 12:00pm, so I told him if he didn't mind waiting around on his own for a half-hour, that I could meet up with him in Vari Hall at 12:30pm and take him to my next lecture with me, then when it ends at 2:30pm, we could go get a late lunch and I could show him around campus. He said that sounded great and he'd borrow his mom's cell phone to contact me in case he runs late at his registration. I told my grandma and the first thing she said is "Oh, that's so nice! You'll have a friend to hang out with next year!" Um... yeah... but no. It's Guelph or working until I get into Guelph for me.
   
2. I'm so mad at Jacquelyn again! I asked her if she could print out my assignment before she went to class this morning and sent it to her last night. She said no problem, she'd print it out for sure and bring it to NATS so I could hand it in right on time. Then just now, she calls me, saying that she's still at home working on her NATS project and she doesn't know whether she'll be able to make it to class to hand her assignment in and might have to show up later to hand it in before the final 6:30pm deadline. Um, problem: SHE HAS MY PROJECT! This is a term paper, not some rinky-dink lab report that's worth only ten marks. This project's worth nearly 20% of our final grade and she may or may not hand it in??? If she was too lazy to finish her project last night and didn't hand it in on time today, then that's her own problem and I don't really care, but if she had taken the time to finish it last night, ask me to print it out, and sent it to me, I would have made damn sure that I was there, in NATS at 2:30pm on the fucking dot to hand in her assignment, because she depended on me and placed her grade in my hands. I KNOW she has at least three hours in between classes today in which she could have finished her project in the library at school. She even asked me to bring in my laptop today so she could finish it today at school, so now I'm stuck lugging this heavy thing around all day for no reason, with no report to hand into my professor and no idea whether it will get in on time at all, and IT'S ALL HER FAULT! The professor made it very clear that any assignments handed in even a second after 6:30pm won't be accepted and will just count as a zero. I'm so mad! I swear, if this project doesn't get handed in on time, I'm going to make her regret the day she ever met me!
   

It's been a few days since I updated my blog, so I thought I'd do it tonight before I get stuck in the habit of never writing in it and leaving it completely abandoned and forgotten about for nearly two years... again.

The last couple days have been pretty uneventful, but I've been losing a lot of my precious sleep trying to finish assignments. I still have to finish my winter term paper for Thursday. Luckily, I got the long, boring and tedious part out of the way over yesterday and today, so it shouldn't take me too long to finish it up tomorrow. I still need to resend my other assignment in to my TA, though. I didn't go to her tutorial this morning, because I felt sick, but we ran into each other later today and she told me the attachment to my email didn't go through. I told her I'd resend it tonight, but since I did the project in such a hurry last night, I'm terrified that I made a citation mistake and that she'll accuse me of plagiarism and then I'll get a zero in the course and get expelled from York, which will go on my educational record, so Guelph will see it and reject me because they don't want someone who plagiarizes attending their school... yeah... I worry... A LOT! I've been crazily paranoid about being accused of plagiarism since I came to university, though. They tend to strike absolute fear into your heart over it.

Now I've returned to playing Restaurant City, which I've abandoned for a while. It's nice to be able to relax and enjoy a game I really like. I haven't been able to do that for the last little while.

----------

Okay. What you just read above was the blog entry I started two days ago, but never finished. Yeah, I got sidetracked. Sorry. Since there hasn't been much to talk about lately, I'm just going to talk about the most recent stuff.

A few days ago, I got in a fight with my dad over the phone. I called him on my walk back to my grandma's from the bus stop to ask him what my mom wanted for Mother's Day and we ended up fighting over school. This is almost word-for-word how that conversation went.

MANNY. Well, I'm concerned about your courses for next year. I don't think two days off is good for you.
ASHLEIGH. You know, I'm so fed up, I don't want to go back next year. Like, I want to stay in school, I just don't want to stay at that school. I hate it. It's been nothing but depression and misery since day one.
MANNY. Well, what the hell do you want to do, then? You want to go to Laurier so you can play house with your boyfriend!?!
ASHLEIGH. No! I want to go to Guelph.
MANNY. Why would you want to go to Guelph? It's not a good school for you! York is where you need to be to do what you want to do.
ASHLEIGH. You don't know what's good for me and York isn't where I need to be. It's just where you WANT me to be!
MANNY. You know, I used to go on and on to all my friends about how dedicated to school and education you are! Boy, have you ever changed! I'm not surprised, though. You haven't been making good choices recently.
ASHLEIGH. I know what you're alluding to and that is none of your damn business.
MANNY. It is my business! Everything you do will always be my business!
ASHLEIGH. Newsflash, Dad! I'm a grown adult. You have no say and no control over anything I do anymore. Get used to it.
MANNY. Only in the eye of the law.
ASHLEIGH. Yeah well the law's the only thing that counts in this world.
MANNY. You're all talk, but no action.
ASHLEIGH. Well, I think you'll be very surprised soon enough.
MANNY. What are you talking about?
ASHLEIGH. You'll be very surprised when you find out that all my "talk" is more than just hot air and that I'm serious about what I'm saying.
MANNY. Well, you're just going to have to find a way to go to another school on your own, then!
ASHLEIGH. I'm already applying to OSAP and planning to work my butt off this summer.
MANNY. It makes no sense. You're going to put yourself in debt so you can go to a school that isn't good for you, just so you can have some fun.
ASHLEIGH. I'm hanging up now.
*click*

Yeah. As Alex put it, it's pathetic how he assumes his way is right, just because it's his way. Asshole. If I get accepted to Guelph and can afford it, I'm cutting them out of my life. It'll be easy when I'm living in residence and not with relatives and supporting myself and my own education. I can't stand my parents anymore. I put up with their controlling bullshit my whole life, thinking that they'd let go once I turned eighteen, but they've only tightened the choke chain more and I'm done. I'm breaking free of it, and if they don't like it, well boo-fucking-hoo for them. If they wanted me in their lives, they shouldn't have constricted me so tightly. It's their own fault. I reeeeaaaaallly hope I get accepted to Guelph. I still need to call my old high school and request that they send a transcript to Guelph for me. As for my transcript from York, well who the fuck knows when my grades will be in and they decide to get up off their asses to send it to Guelph? I'll be pissed as hell if they don't, because I already paid an eight dollar fee for them to send the stupid thing and I know that if I have to ask them again, the greedy bastards will charge me more money that I don't have. I'm begging change off my grandparents to take the stupid bus to school every day. Do I look like I have another eight dollars to send by money order, which is really more like fifteen dollars because of the money order fee? Even if I sent a cheque (my chequebook just came in a few days ago and I picked it up), I still don't have eight dollars that I can spare. I am SO fucking broke.

I also got in a fight with Alex a few days ago, but it actually returned very happy results. It's not my business to post her personal problems all over the internet, but I'll just say she was going through some stuff that made her very gloomy. I tried to give her solutions to fix her problems and improve her life and she just wouldn't listen, saying that it didn't matter what she did, nothing would ever change and that no one understands her and what she's feeling... basically, just being really emo (no offense, Alex). I finally got fed up with it and lost my temper, telling her that if she wasn't willing to do anything to fix her problems and help herself, why should anyone else care to help her and to call me when she actually decided to do something with her life. At first, she was all angry with me for blowing up at her and posted a blog entry with some... erm... colourful language concerning me, but then she came back about an hour later and apologized for being... oh how did she put it? A whiny git? Anyway, it was something along those lines. Beyond being sorry for not accepting any help from me, she's decided that she's going to finish this correspondance course of hers and complete the rest of the courses she needs to get her high school, get a job, and apply to college for ecotourism. In fact, she's away at an interview for a placement agency right now! I'm so proud of her! Now, I'm just hoping that she'll be wise enough not to spend money that she needs for tuition and books. I'd suggest to her to keep spending money and school money separated in separate bank accounts. Keep money she can spend in her chequing account and money that she needs for school in her savings account, and don't ever touch the money in her savings account until she actually needs to pay for her tuition, books, and residence/rent (at least, I'm assuming that's why a lot of people have both a chequing and savings account. I've realized recently that I'm a moron when it comes to financial knowledge, but I'm learning). I'm sure that if she's motivated enough and really serious about all of this that that won't be a problem for her. It'd also be a good idea to focus on paying off any debt she has first before anything else, too.

I'm also so angry with my other friends, Marilyn and Joanna that I'm seriously at the point of telling them I want nothing more to do with them. Joanna invited me to her 20th birthday party in June. Apparently, everyone's going to go to Niagara Falls for the night to gamble/drink at the casino. There's a problem with that: I'm not 19, so I can't even get in to the casino at all, and even if I could, I don't drink and don't gamble. I got really upset and told Chris about this, saying that they must have only invited me out of obligation and were probably planning on leaving me by myself in the hotel room all night so I don't get to celebrate Jo's birthday with any of them. Chris, always giving everyone the benefit of the doubt, assured me that that probably wasn't the case and that of course they wouldn't leave me by myself and at least one person would stay and do something fun with me. I wasn't so sure, but I wanted to believe that my friends wouldn't be so mean to me and calmed down, but then the next day, Chris saw Marilyn at the book store in our village and asked her what they were planning to do about me not being able to get into the casino, and she just kind of shrugged and nonchalantly said that she guessed I'd just have to not come with them. THEY WERE GOING TO LEAVE ME ALONE IN THE HOTEL ROOM ALL FUCKING NIGHT! I hate them! Why the fuck would they even invite me if they were just going to do that to me? Cruel kicks? Well, fuck them! I'm going to take Chris with me to Niagara Falls and we're going to have a great time at Jo's party on our own, and their whole cruel plan of making me feel like shit will blow up in their faces! Chris and I have been fantasizing about a trip to Niagara Falls together for a long time, anyway, so now we'll get that chance. I'm already looking for a cheap hotel room for us. Hopefully, we can go and Chris' dad's birthday doesn't interfere. He says he'll know by this weekend for sure. After this stupid party of Jo's, I'm telling them both to go fuck themselves and never try to talk to me again. Friends don't do that to each other, and I'm sick of putting up with their bullshit after months of them ignoring me. I think I have to go to Marilyn's May 24 weekend tent party at her house, too, because I already agreed to go months ago. Chris is going, too, so it should still be fun, even if Mare and Jo treat me like shit.

Also, on Saturday, I'm going to be spending the afternoon and/or evening with Chris and his friends. This hasn't happened for a long time. The few times he's made plans with me and his friends together, it hasn't turn out well. We just have nothing in common and don't really get along. Chris says they want to get to know me, but I don't think that's true at all. They're so loud and talkative with each other, but then never talk to me at all. Bobbi's the only one who bothers to acknowledge my presence when I'm with them, and she makes an honest effort and is actually really nice, but it's obvious we don't have a lot in common, either. One time, I got so fed up with one of his friends that I asked Chris to take me home early. It's not that I dislike all of them. I dislike a few of his friends, but not all of them. There are more that I like than I dislike, I think. They don't like me, though. Chris says they do, but I don't believe him. I can feel the dislike and alienation flooding the entire room when we all get together. Someone told me once that it's just "weird and awkward for everyone when I'm there." Later, they apologized for saying that and said that it actually wasn't true, but I still remember that every time I hang out with his friends and it makes me feel so awkward and weird that I can barely make myself say two words. I have a lot of problems talking to people I don't know, especially when I have nothing in common with those people. I never get any of their jokes, or have anything to contribute to their conversations that won't make them hate me even more. It's so stressful and frustrating. I still hang out with them, anyway, because I know it makes Chris happy and I really want to try this Saturday for him, but I don't know if there's going to be a noticable difference. I'm still so scared to open my mouth around them. I turned down bowling with Mare, Jo and Alex on Saturday to go to John and to see the new Star Trek movie with Chris and his friends, but that's okay. I didn't really want to see Mare or Jo anyway and if I'm really determined, I can figure out a way to hang out with Alex sometime in the near future. I'd much rather see Chris than Mare and/or Jo any day, even if it's in a stressful situation.

Okay, change of topic! So last night, I was finishing my term project I mentioned in the part of my blog entry I never quite finished. I was planning on finishing it the night before, but I got into a fight with Chris and crying and working don't go well together. As for the fight, I think it's been tentatively resolved for now, but I know we're going to have to revisit the solution we came to at some point, because it's not exactly the best solution for him. Anyway, no more details than that will be given, only that we're okay and we always will be okay because we work through our problems like adults instead of throwing hissy fits and walking out on each other every time we have a disagreement like a couple of fourteen-year-olds. I ended up finishing it at like one last night, instead of eleven like I wanted. My cousins came over unexpectedly and distracted me for a while and then Chris and Jaquelyn were online, so I was talking to them. Then I got sidetracked by looking at hotel rates in Niagara Falls. Once I finished it and sent it to Jacquelyn to print out (my printer/scanner/photocopier's pretty much in a vegetative state... permanently), I couldn't sleep. I was thinking about the fight with Chris and what awful friends Marilyn and Jo are, and just ended up crying into my pillow with Wilfred clutched to my chest under my chin. I finally texted Chris, but he couldn't stay up with me because he needed to work at the animal clinic for his dad the next day. I needed to get up at 6:30am anyway for class. I decided not to miss this one because I've missed too many classes lately and I need good marks to get into Guelph. I did get to sleep at like 3:30am or so, but it was really fitful and I was still semi-conscious, so I still didn't really sleep. The shower this morning helped wake me up, though.

Now, I'm sitting in that class and I need to pack up, because it's ending now. I think this is a good sized blog entry anyway, so I hope that makes up for the few days' hiatus.

Okay, so I am so so happy! Another great, positively glowing blog entry! Two in a row! Chris and the possibility of Guelph combined have given me so much to hope for. I feel like I did back in high school; content with my life, completely and overwhelmingly happy, and a bright and hopeful outlook for the future. I haven't felt this way since September. It makes me want to cry... happy tears, of course!

Yesterday turned out to be fantastic. It started out frustrating, because I was running late the entire day, but after I saw Chris, things looked up. In the morning, I had to go drop off my lab reports that I had spent so long doing and met up with Jacquelyn for that. She needed to hand hers in, too, but she didn't tell me until that morning that she hadn't finished the lab report and needed to stay in the library to finish it before handing it in. I was planning on getting there at 11:30am sharp, handing it in, and being back by 12:15pm. Because of Jacquelyn taking forever to finish the assignment, I ended up being a half-hour late. I was supposed to get back to my grandma's to put together my outfit, clean my room and fill out Chris' card. He was getting dropped off by his mom at Yorkdale at two, and I didn't get back to my grandma's until shortly after one, so I had to rush around, throwing things into random drawers to make my room look spotless and completely organized before trying to gather the exact outfit I wanted to wear, plus brush my teeth and fix my hair all nice.

Now, don't go thinking that I feel I have to dress up for Chris. That's not it at all. It's just that usually when I see him, I'm wearing jeans and a t-shirt with holey sneakers and my hair thrown into a ponytail (if it's long enough) at most. I feel completely beautiful when I'm with him, even in my old barn clothes, but when a special occasion comes around, I like to put a lot of effort into looking nice (minus makeup. I hate the stuff). I really wanted to make this day amazing for him and really make him feel special and like his 20th birthday was important (which it is), so I made a really big deal out of it. He's always so sweet and caring towards me and I really wanted him to know how much I appreciate it and how much I care about him, too. Plus, I also really missed him. I hadn't seen him in a long time.

Anyway, I was still filling out his card after I cleaned and got dressed when he texted me, saying he was at Yorkdale. I left as soon as I finished writing the card, but it took a few minutes, because I always write novels in his cards. When I finally got out the door, I missed the Faywood bus, so I had to walk all the way to Sheppard in heels (I'm very bad at walking in heels. I tend to trip a lot... and the heels I was wearing were only an inch high). Luckily that one came fairly quickly. I just got the end of Frequent Service hours, so I got lucky. When I finally got off the subway at Yorkdale and met Chris, I felt so awful for being late. We rushed back to my grandma's house, where...

DA DA DA DUUUUUUMMMM!!!! The epic birthday surprise shall be revealed!!! Chris and I got back and I eagerly pulled a chocolate cheesecake that I baked myself out of the fridge! I'm a terrible cook. I have a hard time boiling water properly, but I really felt bad for not being able to buy him a cake and I knew it would be so special and mean so much to him to know that I worked really hard to do something I'm not very good at in order to make him happy. He says the cake was delicious but I'm not sure I believe him. I had some myself, and it tasted okay to me, but I think I heard something somewhere about how stuff you cook yourself always tastes better to you because you put the effort into making it or something like that. Anyway, I did err a bit on the cake. I ran out of batter, so the cake had no top layer. It was just the batter, then cookie bits, then icing. I also didn't know that you're supposed to make cakes upside-down, cook them, then pop them out of the pan onto a plate so it can be iced and decorated, then cut, so I just made it right-side up in the pan so we had to use a spoon to shovel it out of the pan. I was actually really upset with myself that I screwed that up, but I guess the important thing is that Chris liked his cake and that I worked hard on it for him.

After we had the cake, we watched TV for a little while before we headed out to have dinner and see the play. It was at the Young Centre for the Performing Arts in the Distillery District. Chris and I had been to the same theatre before to see a different play, but it was during the winter and was already dark when we got there, so we couldn't really see much of the area. Going there in the daylight, Chris and I realized how beautiful it was. The Distillery District is just a bunch of old factories from the 1800's that have been turned into restaurants and shops and theatres. It's kind of a trendy place now. The thing that makes it so beautiful is that they haven't changed the original architechture of the buildings or as far as I can tell, done anything at all to the buildings that weren't absolutely necessary. There's no cars in the Distillery District, and it's all beautiful cobblestone. You really do feel like you've gone back in time somewhat. It's gorgeous. Chris and I ended up eating at a little café, I think it was called Café Uno. It was very nice and Chris and I had a very nice dinner complete with Jones Sodas.

The theatre itself is very nice and classy, too. It has a café and bar in the lounge and a nice fireplace with benches around it where you can see out to the rest of the Distillery District. I silently thanked my professor for the tickets when we were seated because Chris and I easily ended up with the best seats in the house. We were four rows back and to the side, so we were at a perfect level in proportion to the stage with a crystal-clear view of everything. Though I think my TA may have deliberately given me those tickets when I showed up, because she seems to really like me; however, that may just be a pleasant coincidence.

The play turned out to be wonderful. Chris really loved it, which was great. There's only been one play I've taken him to see out of four before this one that he liked, so I was really nervous about that. I really wanted the play we saw for his birthday to be good. It's called I, Claudia and it's a one-hander, written and performed by Kristen Thomson. She plays four different characters with masks (the masks were wonderfully expressive and they showed different emotions when the light hit them at certain angles. They were fantastic). She's very talented. The play was hysterically funny, but also heartbreakingly honest. Chris and I laughed a lot. It really was a very fun play to see, even though it had very serious undertones. We both left in good spirits.

We stopped at Second Cup on the way back (because we had been so trendy all day, we didn't want to break our trend-streak) and it was there that I fell in love with Vanilla Bean Hot Chocolate with Whipped Cream. Oh. My. Goddess. It was the best thing I have ever consumed in my entire life. I cannot describe the sheer joy of vanilla-hinted hot chocolate and creamy goodness running down your throat and bathing your tongue in sugary goodness. Mmmmmmm... sugar.

When we got back, my family was all already upstairs in bed, so Chris and I just settled on the couch with some tea and popcorn and The Nightmare Before Christmas on DVD, because it was the only thing we both could agree on to watch that I hadn't lost the disk for. I MUST FIND MY COPY OF FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF! After that, we just kind of talked until I fell asleep around 3:30am and Chris had to practically pick me up and put me in my bed, because I was so exhausted. I couldn't even really sit up on my own very well without Chris supporting me. All the running around and preparing that day really wore me out. He even tucked me in, so I had no chance of protesting his use of the couch, let alone of getting up to go sleep on the couch myself. I fell asleep instantly. I'm sure that was his intention, the clever guy.

I went and woke Chris up at 9:00am or so because I heard my family rising for the day upstairs and since he insisted on sleeping on the couch, I thought he'd rather be woken by me than by my family coming downstairs for breakfast. I ended up dozing again on my bed while he got dressed. I was a little mad at him, because he told me he was going to get dressed and to go back to sleep because I looked exhausted and he'd come back and wake me up in a few minutes when he was done, but he ended up letting me sleep for an hour and a half until I woke up on my own. I realize he was trying to be sweet, however, so I let it go. I wasn't even really all that mad at him in the first place.

We had pancakes and croissants for breakfast and Trinity bored Chris stupid by showing him every single one of her million Pokémon cards, one at a time and taking five minutes to explain each one. Then we had until 4:30pm before we needed to be at Yorkdale where his mom was picking him up, so we decided to go to the ROM. It was a lot of fun going with Chris, but I was so disappointed in the new renovations. They destroyed the entire museum. It used to be a big beautiful historic building with original architechture and mouldings and everything just looked so Victorian and timeless. Now all it is is plain hardwood floors and slanted white walls with absolutely no décor. It's just modern and white and cold. It's like you just stepped into a chapter out of Brave New World. I remember how the dinosaur exhibit used to be dark and eerie with just lights on the skeletons, and the ceiling was covered with this giant beautiful mosaic of dinosaurs. It was gorgeous and filled you with a sense of awe, especially as a young child. Now it's just this bare, white room with the skeletons scattered everywhere. The only good thing about it is there's more dinosaurs, but it's just so anti-climactic after knowing what the original looked like that it's sad. I have to admit, the giant crystal protruding from the side of the building now actually looks quite beautiful, but it's sad that they put it on such a beautiful, old building, and the shape of the crystal makes the inside a big mess, because there's so much dead and wasted space. There's pathways that lead into walls and giant empty spaces with nothing but white to look at. It's stunningly beautiful until you remember the original beauty of the building it was put on. The crystal actually looms over part of the street, it's so big. I like the crystal itself, but I'm sad for the piece of Toronto's history that's been destroyed.

I think the best part of the museum today was the Book of the Dead exhibit. The ROM just got an actual Book of the Dead from a wealthy man's tomb and the papyrus scroll is about six feet long, with tiny little heiroglyphs outlining spells and chants and basically just trying to convince Osiris that the guy's heart was light and that he was worthy enough to be allowed into the Afterlife. It's really neat to see and look at the artwork in the scroll. A lot of it was damaged, but you could still see a lot of the spells, prayers and illustrations in the book. It was fascinating.

We also did the bat cave, because we wanted to relive our childhoods, haha. I'm so happy at least one thing about the ROM that I loved as a child stayed the same. It seems smaller and shorter now, but that's probably just because I hadn't been there since I was a little kid and everything looks bigger and grander when you're little... well, little as in a child, anyway. I'm still not much taller than I was when I was ten.

We were supposed to go back to my grandparents' early to play Trinity's Samba De Amigo Wii game with her. We told her we would, but we ran out of time, so we stopped at the Second Cup right across the street from the ROM before we headed to Yorkdale on the subway and I got another Vanilla Bean Hot Chocolate with Whipped Cream. Chris got a Mixed Berry Smoothie both times we went to Second Cup this weekend and we laughed at this magazine that was all about weed, because today was the Marijuana March right beside the ROM. There were so many people who were high walking around wearing shirts with glittering marijuana leaves on them. It was hilarious.

I was kind of sad on the way to Yorkdale because I didn't want to let Chris go again. We don't see each other nearly enough and it's always hard to say goodbye after having such wonderful weekends like this weekend together. It wasn't as hard as it is when I have to leave him behind at school. I always cry on the bus back to Toronto until I can't cry anymore. I feel like my heart's breaking. I know I'm going to see him again soon, though. If not this weekend, then definitely next weekend, because his family's having a birthday party for him (or maybe it's this weekend, in which case, I'm definitely coming home. There's no way I'm missing Chris' birthday party. Not for anything). We looked around HMV at Yorkdale for a few minutes and made fun of all the retarded Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana shit littering everything in there, then bought a bottle of water at the food court so I'd have change to get back on the subway. I ended up forgoing my metro pass in favour of giving Chris a nice weekend, and I am so glad I did. It was really worth it to see how happy he was and how special I made him feel. He's worth much more to me than a silly piece of plastic.

We met his mom in the parking lot and she offered to drive me back to my grandma's, so I didn't need the change from Chris buying the water after all, but it will come in handy on Monday when I need to get on the bus. I didn't want him to pay for anything at all this weekend, but I'm still glad I at least paid for most of it, even our ROM tickets. I will find a way to spend the 10 dollars he gave me back as repayment on him. Grrrr... I wish I'd paid for ALL of it! Well, I paid for everything yesterday, and mostly everything today (I think. I didn't keep track), and I will just find a way to spend the money he paid on him somehow in the near future.

I gave him his cake to take back to his house when his mom dropped me off at my grandma's. I hope his mom doesn't make fun of it. I know she's a chef (or was for many, many years) and I'm not very good at cooking or baking or anything involving food and a kitchen, really, but I did put a lot of effort into that cake and really tried to make it special for Chris, so it would be very mean and hurtful of her to make fun of something I put a lot of love into.

After he left, I took a shower and just crashed. I was so exhausted. I did promise Trinity I'd play her Samba De Amigo game with her since Chris couldn't. Chris apologized profusely for that. He felt really bad. I think he's taken a liking to Trinity, though the reason why escapes me. I also think Trinity has a crush on Chris, which is absolutely adorable. Anyway, Trinity suddenly got really sick and shivery and started throwing up so she wasn't in the mood to play anymore, which was just as well. I was too tired to play the game, anyway. Trinity started freaking out because she thought she had the swine flu, then she thought she was having a seizure from playing her video games too much, then she thought she had the swine flu again. Personally, I think it might be swine flu, but I'm not too worried. The media's blowing this whole pandemic thing way out of proportion. Most of the people infected with swine flu didn't even need hospitalization. Just lots of rest and fluids like any other flu. I'm still going to make a point of washing my hands more often and not touching things I know Trinity touches a lot. No point in getting sick if I can avoid it.

I fell asleep on the couch while watching Ella Enchanted (terrible movie, by the way). I woke up and was planning on going to bed, but then I remembered that all the preparations for Chris' visit and nerves over Guelph had caused me to ignore Alex lately and I felt bad, so I talked to her for a few hours, then Chris texted me to say goodnight and thank you for the weekend. He went to bed fairly early, so I guess the weekend must have tired him out, too. It was such a fun, amazing weekend, though. I'm so glad it happened the way it did.

Oh, and one last note... GUELPH RECEIVED MY APPLICATION ON TIME! I just got their email today, thanking me for applying there! Now I just need to get my grades up and hope they accept me and if they do, apply for OSAP and start looking for jobs.

Now, goodnight. I'm pooped.

I'm so glad I only have happy news to report today! It's been so long since so much good has happened in my life at the same time.

Well, last night I was up until 5:30am finishing up late assignments to hand in. Since the possibility of acceptance to Guelph has been dangled in front of me, I'm chasing after it furiously, which means I need an average of at least 70% to get into the arts program I want. I've snapped out of the "Who cares if I get bad grades? It's just going to be misery for the next four years anyway, no matter how hard I work." phase and snapped into the "If I work my ass off and manage to end the year with a good average, I have a chance at happiness next year!" phase. I've been working like mad to try to bring my grades up. The only bad thing about it was that I had to get up at 6:30am to go to my first class. I debated whether or not to tough it out, but then decided that I was just going to skip my morning class and sleep. I needed to have a clear head for my afternoon class, with enough energy left over to prepare for Chris' visit tomorrow when I got back from school and I knew I'd just collapse and get nothing done if I didn't take the break.

Oh? I didn't tell you about Chris' visit? Well, sorry. All the stress has kind of been at the forefront of my mind lately and I haven't had much of an opportunity to be excited when I felt so sick with nerves all the time, but now I'm in great spirits and will tell you all about it! We've actually had this planned for a while now. I'm taking him out for his birthday tomorrow to go see I, Claudia being performed by Kristen Thomson at the Young Centre for the Performing Arts. We both love seeing plays and since I'm in a drama studies class, I get to go see a lot of plays for really reduced prices, thanks to my professor who pulls strings and always gets huge discounts for her students. I always take Chris with me to go see the plays. During the school year, he'd take the bus from Kitchener to Toronto and stay the night at my grandma's in Toronto before going back the next day, but this time, he's getting dropped off by his mom at Yorkdale. His birthday's on the 14th, but this was the only chance I had to see this play with Chris and apparently it's completely amazing. It's a one-hander with masks like in traditional Greek theatre and Kristen Thomson is not only the actor, but the playwright as well.

The play itself looks like it's going to be fantastic, but that's not the highlight of tomorrow. The highlight is seeing Chris after so long of being apart, and being able to give him a really special 20th birthday outting. Unfortunately, applying to Guelph zapped my funds so I'm running out of money. I have 117 dollars left, but I need 96 dollars for my metro pass. Maybe I'll forgo a metro pass this month and treat Chris to a nice dinner, anyway. I had originally planned to take him to a nice restaurant and eat a proper meal before the play, then after the play, to come back to my grandma's house and give him his card, presents and spend the rest of the night cuddling on the couch with a movie in our pajamas. Just a nice, peaceful, quiet evening after the hustle and bustle and excitement of downtown Toronto. I thought it'd be perfect for his birthday, but I soon realized that I couldn't afford it after applying to Guelph. I couldn't even afford wrapping paper and a card, so I made both of them with printer paper, tape and Trinity's scented markers. I felt so awful for not being able to take him somewhere nice to eat, I prepared a special surprise for him to try and make it up to him. I can't say what the surprise is in case he reads this before he gets here tomorrow, but I tried really hard to do a good job on it and I hope it turns out okay (and don't give away what the surprise is in your comment, Alex!). I will reveal the surprise after it has been revealed to Chris. I still think I might sacrifice my metro pass to buy him a nice dinner, though. It's only the last month before school officially ends for me and I won't be using the pass from the 22nd to 26th, and then not again until the 31st because of exams. It'd probably just be cheaper to buy weekly passes or day passes or tokens or something like that, and Chris deserves a nice birthday dinner with his girlfriend. He's been so stressed lately.

I'm so excited! I've been preparing since I got back from school! I made his card (I still have to write in it), then put together his surprise. I need to wait until tomorrow morning to finish it off. Then I made the wrapping paper for his presents and wrapped his gifts. Then I took a nice long shower and got myself all cleaned up and ready to go out tomorrow. I'm planning on putting together a semi-dressy outfit for the evening out, to try to enhance the specialness of the occasion and I'm going to make sure my room is spotless and suitable for Chris to sleep in tomorrow. My room always ends up turning into the guest room when he visits, but I don't mind. My grandma's couch is really comfortable and I get to watch TV until I fall asleep when I'm in the living room.

There's a small chance Chris may have to either meet me at school or come with me to school in the morning, depending on what time he gets here, because I need to hand in those assignments I was up until 5:30am last night doing, but I don't think he's going to end up coming with me. His mother says she'll drop him off before four, but knowing Chris' mother, that could be anything from 8:00am to she changed her mind and decided she didn't feel like taking him anymore. I'm not holding my breath, but I will be so upset if this doesn't work out because of her. She's ruined occasions for us before in the past and this time, if we do not get there by 7:30pm sharp, we won't be let in. It's too distracting for the lone actress on stage to have people coming and going throughout the show. I always get extremely nervous whenever I'm forced to depend on Chris' mom for something important.

I also want to make sure I plan everything right. I'm so clumsy and useless at just about everything in life, which means a lot of dates I plan end up turning into catastrophes. One time, Chris and I went to see a play and it turned out so horribly, we fought and yelled the entire way back. It was awful. I want to make sure everything goes smoothly this time, so I'm meticulously planning our route there and every single twist and turn. I'm just nervous because I'll have to plan the timing on the fly, thanks to Chris' mom's lovely, detailed answer of "before four", which I can't even take seriously at all because the words came out of her mouth.

I'm so excited, but so anxious at the same time. I really want to make tomorrow special for him and make him feel appreciated and loved after all the stress he's been through.

Oh, and I got an email from the OUAC, saying they received my payment. YAY! The website's even letting me review and change my application online, so I'm hoping that means that Guelph also got my application either today or yesterday. The fact that the OUAC got my payment on time eliminates a good chunk of the stress, but I won't be completely in the clear until Guelph sends me an email, saying they've received my application. All I have to do after that is work my ass off at York and hope it's good enough for Guelph to accept me. Also, there's a bit of a confusion with the payment (I think). My bank statement says 185 dollars was deducted from my account, but I only payed them 178 dollars. Chris says he thinks the extra money is the fee for sending a money order. He's probably right, but I'd just like to double-check the numbers at the bank on Monday, just to be sure.

Anyway, I'm very tired and need to finish preparing for Chris' big day tomorrow morning, so goodnight. I hope you enjoyed reading a blog entry in much higher spirits than is my usual blogging mood.