I know last night's blog was rough to read. It went on forever and most of it (okay, all of it) was negative. I can't promise today's entry will be any happier, but it will be shorter.

I finally went to bed at 4:00am. At 3:30am, I told Chris I was going to bed and that he should go to bed, too. I felt bad for making him stay up all night with me, but I needed him so badly and he was insistent on staying up with me until I felt calm enough to sleep. Have I mentioned that he's wonderful? I was sure I'd just end up crying myself to sleep and texting Chris, telling him I couldn't sleep, but as soon as I had the blankets on me, my head on my pillow and my teddy bear cuddled in my arms (which Chris gave me. I can't sleep without holding the teddy bear in my arms now. I named him Wilfred because he's wearing a Wilfred Laurier University hoodie), I realized just how exhausted I really was and fell asleep almost right away.

While I was asleep, I had a horrible dream. I dreamed that it was the next morning and I found out that along with the remittance form, I needed to include a tape of some TV show about Guelph that was only going to air once on TV, and that if I didn't tape it and send it in with the form and cheque, they wouldn't even look at the application and I wouldn't get a chance to go to Guelph. I tried to tape the show, but found out that I'd missed it and I woke up in a cold sweat, terrified and anxious. That was at like 8:30am, and I had to force myself to relax and go back to sleep again, but I kept waking up every few minutes, thinking that I was going to miss my chance to go to Guelph. I got up at almost 10:00am and rushed out the door to go to the post office.

I left my coat at my grandma's, because it was still damp from yesterday but then didn't remember until I got to the bus stop (which is a 15-20 minute walk from my grandma's house) that I'd left my metro pass in my coat pocket instead of putting it back in my wallet like I normally do. It was too far to walk back and then to the bus stop again, so I ended up having to pay the driver with a five dollar bill. I grossly overpaid for my ride, seeing as how TTC fare is only $2.75. I got off at Bathurst and Sheppard, but was extremely nervous because I didn't know that area very well at all and I had forgotten my cell phone at my grandma's house, too. All I kept thinking was that if something happens to me, I have no way to call anyone for help. I just wanted to send the money and get back to my grandma's as fast as possible. There was a guy who was doing an evaluation of the bus driver on the bus. He was a TTC worker and he got off at the same stop as me and we started talking. He asked me if I was from out of town (because I looked completely lost on the bus) and I said no, I lived nearby but just didn't know much of the area. He asked me why and I said I'm originally from a small town, I just moved here to go to school. He asked me what town and I told him he wouldn't know it because it's this rinky-dink village out in the middle of nowhere. He said to try him so I said I'm from Tottenham. Surprisingly, he knew exactly where that was because he's friends with the bus driver and she's from Tottenham, too. That was pretty neat. He seemed nice, but I get nervous talking to people I don't know, especially in Toronto so I said goodbye and went to the post office in the back of a card store called "All In The Cards" in the plaza at the intersection and sent it by priority one day courier. The lady said it was guaranteed to get there before noon tomorrow morning. I paid $20.10 for the service and left.

On the bus back, I asked the lady beside me if the bus we were on would stop at Faywood Boulevard. She glared at me and snapped to ask the driver. A normal person would have just said "Sorry, I'm not sure, but I'm sure the driver knows." I asked the driver and she said it was the next stop. Turns out going Westbound, the stop isn't called Faywood Boulevard, it's called Wilmington Avenue. THEN THAT SAME LADY GOT OFF AT THE SAME STOP AS ME! What a fucking bitch! Either she knew the bus stopped there and she just didn't want to help me, or she didn't know that the stop name was different but the location was the same, in which case, she's a fucking retard. EVERYONE knows that Wilmington and Faywood are the same fucking street! The name just changes after it intersects with Sheppard. I'm a small-town girl with no navigational skills whatsoever and even I know that. I just think that lady was being a bitch for the sake of it.

I got back to discover that my grandparents still weren't around. I woke up that morning and they didn't seem to be home so I just left them a note saying where I went and that I'd be back soon. They came home a few minutes after I got back, laden with grocery bags so I take it they went shopping. My grandma asked me if I wanted Grandpa to drive me to the post office (she doesn't drive), and was shocked when I told her that I had already gone and come back that morning all on my own. I'm not very adventurous.

Now I'm just playing Restaurant City again and waiting until 1:30pm when I have to leave again to go to class. I wish I could have slept longer. I usually sleep until 1:00pm on Wednesdays but today was a special circumstance. I needed to send that money fast. I don't get back here until about 7:15pm-7:30pm tonight, so I'm probably just going to want to sleep. Unfortunately, I can't do that. I have three (or maybe four. I can't remember anymore) lab reports to fake (I'm too lazy to actually do the experiments) and hand in on Friday. It'd also be nice to have an annotated bibliography for my East Asian studies paper by tomorrow, but that's getting a bit unrealistic.

I'm going to be so worried about the money order and Guelph all night long and the rest of today. I know the lady said it'd get there before noon tomorrow, but all the "What if?"s keep running through my head. What if it gets lost along the way and never gets delivered or gets delivered too late? What if the OUAC gets it on time, but doesn't send my application to Guelph on time? What if I lost track of my money and the application fee, plus all the other fees I had to pay put me in the negatives and they don't accept my payment? What if everything goes smoothly, but I'm too stupid and Guelph rejects me, proving me right and my parents? It makes me sick to think about.

Anyway, I'll end this entry here. I'm getting knots of anxiety in my stomach and I have to leave for class in a half-hour. I might as well rest my eyes for a few minutes.

Wow. Okay, this has been a most stressful day.

So now that I'm absolutely set on leaving York and going to Guelph, I actually decided to send in an application to the school. It turned into much more of a hassle than I thought it would. Typically, you'd think "Okay, fill out the online form, send it in, send some money and poof you're done. Just pray they accept you now. No big deal." Yeah, that's probably true for most human beings on the planet, but not for Briar Rosethorn (well, I guess I can call myself Ashleigh now, but my Wiccan name sounds a hell of a lot cooler). Of course, for me, the person whom the Lord and Lady like to make everything difficult for, ran into a multitude of problems.

Yesterday, I looked at the application deadline for the Creative Writing program at Guelph for this coming Fall, and was panicked to discover that it's May 1st. Fuck. I had to get moving on that application, so I made an OUAC (Ontario Universities Applications Centre) account after tearing my hair out for over an hour because I couldn't remember my old one that I used to apply to York last year, filled out all the information and went to go send it in. The grand total application fee came to exactly $178.00, which is completely non-refundable. Assholes. I was then informed that the only methods of payment are credit card, cheque or money order. I'm not a believer in spending money I don't have, so naturally, I don't have a credit card. I also don't have a chequebook, because my parents were previously taking care of all of my financial needs. I had nothing to do with it. Now that they won't pay for me to go to Guelph, I'm completely out in the water with no life preserve. I have no idea how to do anything or function in the real world at all. My only other option was a money order, but I had no idea what that was or how on Earth I would go about using that method to pay the fee. I had an emotional breakdown where I just sat in front of my computer and cried for a good fifteen minutes, because I felt so stupid and powerless and naive, then realized that crying wasn't going to magically pay the fee and I might as well just go to bed and figure it out at the bank the next day.

So this morning, I woke up extremely stressed out. I rushed to my 9:30am class. It was pouring rain and my boots don't keep out water and it was a long walk from where the bus dropped me off to where my class was so I was drenched when I got there. I couldn't pay attention in class. I think we were talking about a 19th century poem that defended Guinevere's infidelity in the King Arthur legend, but I don't really know the details. Then I rushed to the bank and was so relieved to find that the lady who I asked for help was so kind and wanted to help me so much. I explained to her that I'm 18 years old, my first year out of high school who has suddenly been thrown out on my own with no knowledge or resources to figure out how to function in the real world. She was very understanding and walked me through what a money order was and how to send a money order to someone. She even gave me directions and the bus route to the nearest post office to where I live. All of this hassle to send money made me realize that if I don't have a credit card, I at least need a chequebook now that I'm supporting myself, so I ordered one there today. It cost me about $20.00 and should arrive at the branch in a week or so. Apparently, she has three daughters, two of which are in university and she felt really bad for me and wanted to help. I was so grateful. I was close to another emotional breakdown but I left the bank feeling a lot more in control and confident. Haha, I bet I could do an ad for TD Bank: "I was thrown out on my own with nowhere to turn to for financial advice. I didn't know what to do to fund my education. The kind staff at TD Bank helped me find my way and now I'm in control of my life... and my money. Thank you, TD. Banking really can be this comfortable." Oh yeah. That's gold. Where's my contract?

Anyway, she told me I needed to go to the post office and mail it by one day courier, which of course costs like $15.00. Yay. More money being sucked out of my bank account, but I need to get that application in on time. I planned to go after my last class, but I needed to come to my grandma's first and get my OUAC login code to include in the envelope so they know who's sending them money. I walked around York by myself, stressed out and worried and thinking a lot about something else going on in my life which I'd prefer not to post on a public blog. I went to go deposit $40.00 into my bank account from the bank machines on campus, which now that I think about it, I could have done while I was at the bank, but I'm stupid so I didn't. There were no envelopes left to deposit money so I left, fuming (I was wet, cold, stressed and worried. Little things like that going wrong do not help in that situation). I decided to go sit and stare upstairs for the next couple hours until my next class when I realized I'd forgotten my cell phone at the bank machine. Perfect. Fan-fucking-tastic. I ran back to the bank machine to grab my cell phone, but it wasn't there. I assumed it had been stolen and then I broke down. I needed to contact someone, so I used a school computer to find Chris' cell number on my contacts list in my email, since I don't know it off the top of my head, then broke one of my twenty dollar bills I was going to deposit to get 50 cents back and ran to a pay phone to call Chris. I was crying by then. For some reason, I needed $1.60 to call him, but I didn't have it. I almost threw the phone at the wall, but resisted and went to the Booster Juice near the pay phones to ask for change back for a five. They said they don't do that anymore because it depletes their change supply. I just mumbled a "thank you" but I don't know why. They didn't help me at all. My last resort was going to the lost and found office. Thankfully my phone was there, but I was so emotionally drained by that point that I just collapsed on a bench in the middle of the busiest hallway on campus and cried for a half-hour. Only one girl stopped to ask me if I was okay and that's because she already knows me from the tutorial I'd had that morning. Oh, by the way, I had an assignment due in that class today that I didn't do because of all the stress I'm under. I forgot to mention that earlier. I have six overdue assignments I haven't started on. I'm just drowning at this awful school.

After my crying fit, I fell asleep on a low wall that doubles as seating in the busiest building on campus and woke up an hour before my afternoon class, so I headed there and saved a seat for Jacquelyn. She missed her train in to school so she missed the entire morning and got to our afternoon class literally five minutes before it started. Our original plan was to go to the ROM (Royal Ontario Museum) for a bit that day in between our two classes because students get in free on Tuesdays, but she had a group meeting for a project to go to and cancelled that, then cancelled all her plans with me entirely when she missed her train. It ended up working out, because I needed to go to the bank anyway, so I wasn't too disappointed.

During class, Jacquelyn talked about her ex and how stressed out she was the entire time. I tried to be sympathetic but I just can't deal with her problems right now on top of my own. It's too much. I mostly just made non-committal grunts and the occasional "I know". I was trying to focus on copying my notes, too, because I need at least a 70% average for Guelph to accept me into its Creative Writing program and I'm stressing over that because I haven't been putting a lot of effort into school lately and I really want to go to Guelph next year. I'm so scared of this not working out. If it doesn't work out, I'll have wasted my $190.00 or so that I spent on the application and getting it there, I'll prove my parents right; that I'm stupid and useless in the real world and I can never do anything on my own, and I'll have to live with them next year while I work and figure out what the hell I'm going to do next all the while with them laughing in my face and crushing me down into the dirt like they've always done. I won't go back to York, no matter what, so if I don't end up going to Guelph, I'll be at home working and that will disappoint Chris, which will break my heart. I'll be disappointed in myself, too and will feel like a worthless, stupid deadbeat. I'm taking a huge risk in banking everything on Guelph.

When I got back from school today, I had to talk to Chris about that thing I mentioned earlier that was adding to my stress. Yes, I still choose to keep that confidential. I will tell certain individuals whom I trust, not all of the internet. Turns out, there's no need for it to put stress on either of us anymore but I still have mixed emotions over it. By the time we finished talking, it was too late to go to the post office, which turned out to be good, because I found out that my application never went through properly the first time I sent it and I still needed to confirm my method of payment and print out a remittance form to include in the envelope, otherwise they wouldn't have accepted my payment anyway and I really wouldn't have been going to Guelph next year. Now, I have to leave early to go to the post office tomorrow before class and send it by 1 day courier.

Oh, and as a random side-note, I'm helping my friend Alex find a program to take at college. Woot!

Right now, I'm playing Restaurant City on Facebook, talking to Chris and Alex and trying to keep my mind occupied so I don't start crying. Chris says he'll stay with me all night if I need him to. He's so amazing. I'm so lucky to have him and I never, ever forget that. He's everything I could have ever wanted in life and so much more. I wouldn't have gotten through this awful year without him.

I think I shall end here tonight.

Well, currently I'm sitting in my English Literary History lecture, tired and glum, but I can't remember a Monday in this lecture where I haven't been tired and glum. My dad dropped me off at school early this morning, so I had to get up at 7:30am after staying up until 1:30-2:00am. I know I shouldn't have stayed up so late, but I was too stressed out to sleep.

I hadn't talked to my parents about leaving York and going to Guelph next year, and was so upset that I missed my chance. I planned to talk to them about it, but every time I thought of doing it, I got dizzy and sick and my heart started pounding. I knew it would turn into a horrible fight and everything was going so well before that. I didn't want to ruin it all.

Yesterday was really great. I got out of bed at 11:00am or so, lounged a bit, played video games with my brother, Andrew, cuddled with my cats (Mooch even snuggled with me in bed in the morning. It was so sweet of her). I also got to use the computer as much as I wanted, which hardly ever happens when I'm at home because I have to share it with Andrew. My dad even played a golf tournament on the Playstation 3 with Andrew and me and we were all joking and laughing and having fun. I can't remember the last time we did that. I didn't want to mess things up by starting an argument about Guelph.

This morning, I woke up early to pack and go back to Toronto in time for my first class and wasn't planning on bringing anything up, but of course my stupid mouth didn't listen to my brain. My mom, Andrew and I were watching Breakfast Television, and I was already pretty sad, because waking up on a weekday morning at home triggered all kinds of memories that I miss, like when I walked down the stairs today and my dad asked me if I wanted a bagel for breakfast. I wanted to cry, because I remember he used to ask me that every morning after I got my school uniform on and came downstairs to see him. Then I watched Breakfast Television and that's something I always did before school. Then Andrew walked out of his room in my old school uniform and I wanted to put my uniform on again and go wait for the bus with him, but of course I couldn't. I really got choked up when I walked to the car to put my stuff in the back of the car and I saw Buster sitting at the end of the driveway by Andrew's feet; right where he used to wait with me for the bus. I nearly broke down right then and there. I should stop writing about this. I'm starting to tear up in the middle of my lecture.

Anyway, I digressed. The original point was that I was watching Breakfast Television with my mom and Andrew and brought up Guelph when I shouldn't have. There was a bunch of protesters blocking University Avenue in downtown Toronto on a Monday morning (idiots) and no one really knows what the morons are protesting for. My mom said she thinks it has something to do with Sri Lanka, and I was reminded of all the student protests about some injustice or another that happened on the other side of the planet and got angry because like I said in a previous post, I'm so sick of their bullshit social justice. If they really were advocates for equality, they wouldn't have racially and religiously segregated social justice clubs. I blurted out, "I bet they don't have this kind of garbage at Guelph." and my mom freaked out on me and started yelling. She replied with the most ridiculous, childish response I've ever heard from an adult, which was "Oh yeah? Well, Guelph has swine flu! There's been a death in Guelph, but Toronto doesn't have swine flu!" There are a few things wrong with this idiotic statement:

• Obviously, it is childish and immature, because it has absolutely nothing to do with my point and she clearly just wanted something to throw back at me because she knew I had a good point, but didn't want to admit it.
• She lied. I checked into it later and although there've been reports of swine flu in Canada, there have been none in Ontario, let alone any deaths in Ontario.
• What the hell does swine flu have to do with the University of Guelph's academic appeal?

I explained to her how childish this statement was and she just completely flipped and started screaming at me. She told me, "If you want to throw away your education, that's fine! You can pay for your own goddamned education! You're following a boyfriend! I never thought you'd never do that!" and ran out of the house, slamming the door like a temperamental five-year-old. I'd just like to say that I am not following my boyfriend. He doesn't go to Guelph. He goes to Laurier. They're still a good half-hour away from each other, which admittedly is less of a hassle to visit him than being two and a half hours away, but it is still a hassle from Guelph, anyway. Plus, Chris would be really upset if I changed schools just for him. He wants me to get an education that's good for me, but most of all he just wants me to be happy. No one else seems to care one bit about my happiness. I chose to go to Guelph next year because I'm unhappy at York and I'm unhappy in Toronto, I wanted to make a change to a school that fit me better and Guelph is that school. Of course it's nice that I'm closer to Chris. Who doesn't want to be close to the person they love? That's not any of the main reasons why I'm going there, though.

So now I'm applying for OSAP, praying one of my thousand applications I send out land me enough work to make at least enough money for residence, or tuition and books. Either one is fine, as long as I get enough OSAP to cover the other one. The scariest thing about it is that if I'm short of money, my parents won't help me. I also need to apply to Guelph and for residence at Guelph soon.

Okay, now to end this blog on a happy note for once. I know you must have been getting tired of reading depressed post after depressed post from me lately. Andrew has made me realize how fun Little Big Planet is! For those of you who don't know, Little Big Planet is a video game for the Playstation 3 where you're a little person made of burlap sack and fluff. You go around to different areas of Little Big Planet and complete levels to collect stickers and decorations so you can create things in the game. I know... if you haven't played, it sounds incredibly boring, but trust me, I was absolutely convinced that Little Big Planet was just a giant waste of money, but Andrew convinced me to play it and I got hooked. First of all, your little sack person is SO cute! Second of all, the levels are fun to complete rather than just being a giant, frustrating pain in the ass. Thirdly, collecting stickers and decorations is so much fun! Once you collect one, you can use it over and over again forever without ever running out. You have an infinite supply of every sticker you collect and you can put decorations and stickers almost everywhere, even on yourself.

Now, fare thee well, Alex and Chris (because you guys are the only people who read this).

Okay, now that I think I'm over the whole weepy breakdown, I can write in my blog again. Yeah, I know. I've been crying a lot lately. Why am I crying tonight, you might ask? Well, I can't directly go into that without telling you all the backstory, so we'll get to that in a few paragraphs.

You see, lately I've been really, really homesick. Not so much for my parents and brother as for my pets, bed and just the home atmosphere itself. If I'm in Toronto for longer than a week at a time, I get very depressed. I didn't go home last weekend for some reason or another (I think my mom had baseball registration and my dad was overseeing the concrete being poured for the new garage). This week, I really wanted to go home. My dad called my grandma's house and I took the opportunity to ask him about it, but he told me that Grandpa's brother-in-law died and so the whole family was going to his wake and funeral. At first, I had no idea why that should affect me going home, because the wake my parents went to was on Thursday and the funeral was on Saturday. I didn't see why he couldn't take me home on the Friday. It was then that he explained to me that since my grandparents and aunt were going to the Friday wake, someone needed to watch Trinity, and someone also needed to stay behind to watch Trinity on Saturday during the funeral. At first, Tia (my aunt. Tatia means Aunt in Portuguese, but I always shorten it to Tia) said I could go home if I wanted and she'd just bring Trinity with her, but I know how Trinity gets around death and funerals. She's like me, she gets horrible anxiety attacks and since she's little, she panics and completely freaks out when she gets nervous. I knew it would make it easier on the whole family if I just stayed behind to babysit her. I choked out to my dad that I'd do it, because I was holding back a flood of disappointed tears (like I said, I was very, very homesick). My dad could tell that I was upset and felt bad, so he offered to take me home on Friday night after my Tia and grandparents got back from the wake and then drop me off again early the next morning to watch Trinity during the funeral, then take me home again for the rest of the weekend. I told him that was way too much hassle and needless moving around and told him I'd just stay until everyone got back from the funeral on Saturday afternoon, but could he please take me home then and bring me back early Monday morning before my first class. He agreed.

Now, you would think that would make me happy. I was fulfilling my familial duties and I still got to spend some time at home, right? Well, yes and no. While the outcome was the most desirable of the other available options considering the circumstances, this weekend was the weekend I was planning on trying to convince my parents to let me go to Guelph next year. I think I mentioned in a previous blog post that this topic alone would make my parents defensive and angry and that it was going to take more than a single conversation over morning coffee to convince them. I was banking on having the entire weekend to talk to them about it and hopefully get them to see my point of view and understand it enough to let me make this choice I want so badly. Even a single weekend isn't a whole lot of time to achieve this task. Now, because I had to stay at my grandma's until Saturday afternoon to watch Trinity, that plan got busted. I now only have essentially one day to convince them of this, which brings the odds of success down significantly. I can't wait longer to talk to them about this, because if I do, I may not be able to attend Guelph in September if I apply too late, plus I'll need to send in my residence application on time.

If they say no to this, I'm either stuck going back to York for another year or I have to put my foot down, claim my independance as an adult and tell them that I'm no longer accepting money from them, I'm applying for OSAP and getting a job and doing it all on my own. This I could technically do, but it's a scary prospect. I will do it though if I really can't get my parents to see eye-to-eye with me on this. The more I think about going back to Toronto and York next year, the more I want to sob and vomit. Literally. It literally makes me sick to think of going back there for another year and just completely crushes my spirit. I haven't felt emotionally stable since I went there in September. I need to make a change, or I'm afraid this depression is just going to spiral into something much, much worse. I'm always on the brink of an emotional breakdown as it is, and I know it's York that's causing this. I was such a happy person before September, and now I hardly recognize myself anymore, which scares me severely. I can't go back there next year. I'd rather drop out of school completely than go back, but the thought of doing that breaks my heart, too, because I can't bear the disappointment in me from Chris. I'm just not as strong as he is. I wish I was. I try so hard to be.

Aside from this awful, crushing stress, I've felt so isolated and alone lately, too. I've slowly started to drift apart from my two best friends, Joanna and Marilyn. I've been friends with them since I was ten years old, but we got really close when I was in grade 10-11. I always thought I could count on them for anything, that we could never ever drift apart. The three of us were friends for life, but I haven't seen or talked to either of them in months and they feel just like vague shadows in my memory now. It makes me so sad. I miss them so much. What really hurts is that they don't seem to be missing me at all. The three of us and a couple other friends of ours have been planning a road trip together for years. It was supposed to be this big, awesome event; just the group of us, hanging out in the car, blaring the radio and just having a good time and forgetting about all our problems for a few days. Unfortunately, the trip never happened, but we still had plans to do it eventually. Recently, I went on my Facebook account and saw in their statuses that they had all taken a road trip to North Bay and apparently had a last. There were pictures, too and they all looked like they were having way too much fun to remember me... they took that road trip without me! They didn't tell me! They didn't even try to tell me! They took our group road trip, left me behind and didn't even tell me about it. Not even two days later, I saw other statuses and pictures of them in Niagara Falls. We had all talked about going to Niagara Falls, too since we were in high school. My friend Alex says that Jo's told her I haven't been replying to her emails, but she's never sent me any emails... or Facebook messages... or phone messages... or text messages. Nothing. It's like they just forgot about me, and don't miss me at all, when I've been missing them so much this entire time. I haven't seen any of my friends in months. I'm not even sure if I still have friends anymore. I just feel so alone all the time.

I think I need to end this blog entry here. Not only am I starting to turn emo, but I'm crying so hard, I can't really seethe keyboard properly anymore.

Goodnight and sorry for being so depressing.

Well, I'm sitting in my 8:30am, two hour long East Asian Studies tutorial. Like I said I would last night, I got up at 6:30am to get here today on time, even though I didn't end up going to bed until 3:30am. I was going to go to bed at 11:00pm, but then Chris didn't come online until almost 11:00pm and I always get horribly depressed if I don't get to have a proper conversation that isn't over text messaging with him at the end of the day, so there really isn't any point in getting enough sleep if I don't get to talk to him. I just wake up terribly depressed and not wanting to get up, anyway, no matter how well-rested I am. I ended up talking to him until 2:00am, then I was going to go to bed since he was, too when my friend whose mother got laid off came online so I messaged her and apologized, explaining that I wasn't ignoring her. She was fine with it and we ended up talking until 3:00am, then I finally was ready for bed by 3:30am. When I woke up this morning, I was surprised at how easy it was for me to get up this morning on three hours' sleep. I think it was a combination of getting to talk to Chris for so long last night which lifted my spirits (we haven't been able to talk as much lately and it was making me really depressed), and the fact that I've been taking so many naps lately. I have to admit that now that I've been here for a while, I'm actually really tired. I still have four hours after this class before my next class.

I think I mentioned in my last post that I usually hang out with Jacquelyn between classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but lately she either cancels at the last minute or makes me more irritated and miserable than I already am by complaining all the time. I guess I complain a lot, too, but at least I try to keep my whining to myself when I hang out with her. I asked her if we were hanging out today and she said yes, but not until noon. I'm okay with that. I have my laptop to keep me occupied until then and I wasn't really looking forward to spending four solid hours with her today. I feel like a terrible person for getting so irritated with her, but it's really putting more strain on me that I just don't need right now. I'd have more sympathy for her if she tried to fix her problems or took at least some of my advice for once, but it's like she asks me for help, I give her suggestions, she ignores them, then just keeps complaining to me about how awful her life is. I think she just wants a free therapist, which aggravates me because I don't want a mental patient; I want a friend. *sigh* Yeah, I know... I'm a terrible, selfish person.

I'm getting really sick of Toronto. I asked my mom if I could come home this weekend, but apparently some uncle in the family died and they need to go to his wake and funeral. As long as they don't make me go, I still want to come home. Dead people freak me out. Seriously, I have panic attacks and want to pass out anytime I'm near death (cemeteries, funeral homes, funerals, etc...). Plus, I need to talk to my parents about leaving York and going to Guelph next year. That conversation is something I don't forsee as going well. My stomach hurts a lot just thinking about it, but I really, really, REALLY want to go to Guelph. Plus, I also miss my kitties and my own bed.

It's almost 10:00am. I need to text Chris to wake him up. He has an exam today. I know he'll do well. He's absolutely brilliant and he's been studying so diligently lately. I'm so proud of him for working so hard and doing so well at Laurier, though I think he'd do well wherever he went. Good luck, Chris! I'll be thinking of you today (not that I don't think of you all the time already).

I think I'll end this post here since my class finishes in less than 20 minutes and I need to take a power nap.

I'm surprised I even mustered the energy to write in this blog at all today, considering how completely dejected I feel. Today really just completely sold me on the idea of leaving York and going to Guelph. I hate this hellhole. Anyway, I should probably tell you why I feel like utter crap instead of just going "I hate my life! No one understands me! Boo hoo hoo!" because let's face it; the whole world is so tired of listening to the bitchy whining of thirteen year old emo kids.

In my last post, I mentioned that my school went on strike this year for three months and because of this, they've extended the school year until June. Apart from loathing York for this fact in itself and wanting to strangle every single person on Facebook whose statuses are "My last exam today!" and "I'm officially done my first year of university!" for (indirectly) rubbing my misery in my face, this also means that I will still be in school on May 27th. If you remember my last post, you'll know that May 27th is my one year anniversary with Chris. The first year is a very important milestone and I wanted nothing more than to spend all day with him and celebrate. I've been excited about this anniversary since we had our six month anniversary and had all kinds of things planned for that day.

The only way I could get around being in Toronto on our anniversary was if none of my exams happened to fall on the 27th and I could go home for the day and celebrate Chris' and my anniversary. Ever since I found out that I wouldn't get out of school in the middle of April and that my exams ran from the middle of May to the beginning of June, I had hoped and prayed that the 27th would not be taken up with an exam. That was the only day I wanted off. I would have taken any other day gladly; even all four of my exams in one day, if only I could have that one very, very important day off.

Today in lecture, I got bored and used my iPod Touch to go on the internet. I discovered that my friend's cousin who goes to York posted on Facebook that she had her last exam on the 28th of May. Naturally, I assumed that this must mean the Winter Term Examination Schedule had been posted on the school's website. Previously, I'd been told that two of my courses were having in-class exams in order to free up examination time for us, which was very kind of those two professors. It was because of this that I was optimistic that I wouldn't have an exam on the 27th of May, because it stands to reason that the less exams you have, the less days the exams will take up and thereby increasing my chances of having May 27th off. Eagerly, I logged onto my student account to look at my exam schedule and nearly burst into heartbroken tears in the middle of my lecture. I should have known better. Nothing good can ever happen to me while I'm a student in this pit of despair. It's Ashleigh's Law: No good can come to any human being who attends York University. They should put that in high school science textbooks. Of course I would have an exam on the 27th of May. Of course it would be the class I resent the most. Of course it would be the class I'm the worst at. Of course it would be smack-dab in the middle of the day rather than early in the morning so I have no chance of spending a full day with Chris.

I was so upset. I tried to listen to my professor and get through the rest of the day but I couldn't. Holding back the sobs was agonizing. I just texted Chris that I was leaving and hopped on the bus to go back to my grandparents'.

I was so looking forward to just changing into my pajamas and covering myself with my blankets and sobbing until I fell asleep, but I couldn't even do that when I got back. I walked in the door and my grandma commented on how early I was getting back, so I lied and told her my second class was cancelled. Then she gave me this guilty look when I went to go into my room and I was immediately suspicious. I walked in to find both my grandma and grandpa and my aunt sitting in my room watching the Portuguese soap opera. Apparently, Trinity (the 9 year old brat I mentioned in my last post) kicked them out of the living room because she wanted to watch her shows so they decided to violate my privacy while I wasn't there and without asking permission to watch the soap opera. The fact that my grandma gave me a guilty look when I walked in just proves that she knew it was wrong and did it anyway. I was so mad, I texted Chris and fumed about it. He texted me back, saying that that's my space and they need to respect that. I added that they shouldn't let a 9 year old run their house, either. I ended up having to bite back my tears and pretend to be happy for a half-hour longer while I watched some stupid show of Trinity's in the living room and listen to her gab about her stupid Pokémon cards.

I'm also not looking forward to getting up at 6:30am tomorrow to go to my two hour East Asian Studies tutorial. In the wise words of Ferris Bueller; "I'm not European. I don't plan on being European, so who gives a crap if they're socialists? They could be fascist-anarchists and that still wouldn't change the fact that I don't have a car." Ah, Ferris Bueller, how I love thee.

It's not like I have anything to look forward to afterwards, either. My friend Jacquelyn and I usually hang out between classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but knowing her, she'll probably just cancel on me again, leaving me to wander around campus alone and sad for four hours. If she doesn't cancel, she'll spend four hours complaining about her ex boyfriend. He just dumped her a little while ago and while I want to be a good, supportive friend and help her through everything she's going through, I also just want to scream at her to shut up and move on with her damn life sometimes. It's not like he was a big loss. He was emotionally abusive and used her before throwing her away. She's all like "I'm so mad at him. He's already trying to pick up other girls at bars and we haven't been broken up for a full week yet, but I still really want to be his friend..." She needs a fucking backbone. Forget about the abusive bastard who destroyed you, pick yourself up and heal, then go find someone who appreciates you and loves you unconditionally. She's a nice girl, she really is, but I'm getting so tired of listening to her problems that she won't try to fix.

Also, a friend messaged me today saying her mother just got laid-off. This friend and her mother already have money problems, so this is devastating for them. I felt bad because I wasn't at my computer when she sent me the message and I'm afraid she'll be angry with me because she thinks I ignored her. I'm going to try to wait for her to come online again and explain, but she's on the computer at weird hours and I have to go to bed early tonight to be up for 6:30am tomorrow.

Ugh, I want to go to Guelph and start my own life there where no one knows me so badly! Even if I can't go to Guelph next year, I'll still be moving out closer to campus so that HAS to be better than this misery.

Wow... it's been over a year since I posted last in this thing. That's pretty insane. To be honest, I thought that this blog was dead and gone; for a long time, I completely forgot about this blog entirely. It served as a way to make myself seem important in my own eyes and opened up a channel for me to vent about the problems I was having. The first nine months after my breakup with my ex, I became very bitter and not so much depressed as pessimistic. Reading over my old posts now, I realize that this was very evident in every single post I published.

A lot has changed in the past year. For one, I'm not quite so bitter and pessimistic (but still just as sarcastic). This is a very minor, but pleasant change compared to some of the other changes. Do you remember a guy named Chris who helped me get a role in Sears Fest in high school? Well, we've been dating for almost a year now. We'll be celebrating our one year anniversary on the 27th of May. He's absolutely wonderful. Another big change is that we both graduated from high school and are now finishing our first year of university. Chris had a wonderful first year experience at Laurier. Sadly, I can't say the same for me. I chose to go to York University and it's been nothing but misery since day one. In the first six weeks, this horrid place has seen several fire alarms, a bomb threat and a strike that lasted for three months and now the students are forced to go to school until June. I've also been living my grandparents, aunt and nine-year old spoiled cousin. That has just made everything worse. There are two options for me next year. 1) Move out of my grandparents' house next year and look for student housing near campus, which I'm doing, or 2) Leave York University entirely and transfer to Guelph.

Pros and Cons

York University
Pros

• Will not lose credit for any courses I've completed by transferring.
• I have a friend at York (yes, one but still that's a pro)
• Will get to experience living on my own completely next year
• Will save money on TTC metro passes since I'll live beside campus
• Will get to go to more school events since I'll be living within walking distance of campus

Cons

• Toronto is a miserable city and I hate it here.
• I only have one friend here, so I'm not leaving behind a lot.
• I don't think I can handle another year of being two hours away from Chris and only seeing him twice a month (if I'm lucky).
• I'll be living dangerously close to the ghetto.
• No one at York is nice. They're all too consumed with their brand-name designer shit to care about anyone but themselves.
• No one in Toronto is nice. Period.
• The campus is modern and cold and ugly. It's so depressing.
• I'm so lonely there.
• There are no good clubs there. All of their 250 clubs are just segregated social justice clubs like "Muslims against deportation", and "Jews against racism". I'm so fucking tired of listening to all of their "hate the white man" bullshit every day.
  

Guelph
Pros

• Guelph has a beautiful campus.
• It's a small city, so people are generally friendlier.
• Again, because it's a small city, I don't hate it quite as much as being in a large city like this giant toilet bowl.
• Guelph offers the same program that I want to take at York and not many other universities offer this program.
• I'd get to experience residence life, which I've always wanted to do and been a bit envious of other people who have gotten to experience it.
• Everyone at Guelph are hippies who care about the environment. I'd fit right in and not feel like an outcast.
• There's a huge Pagan club I'd fit right into, among other clubs that are actually normal and fun.
• I think I'd have a much easier time making friends there.
• It's only a half-hour away from Waterloo so I'd get to see Chris more often, plus he could could come and visit me more often.

Cons

• It's kind of scary moving somewhere you've never really been to before.
• The added cost of residence, which surprisingly is significantly higher than renting a room in student housing near campus (at least in Toronto, it is. Not sure about Guelph. I haven't checked that, yet).
• They smoke a lot of pot there.
• I'm taking a huge risk by leaving York and going there, assuming I'll be happier and more successful; however, anything has to be better than the situation I'm in now.

Yeah. Clearly leaving York and going to Guelph is the best way to go, but I need to sell my parents on the idea. They seem to think York is the be all and end all of universities and they have no idea how depressed this place has made me since they don't live with me and see me every day like they used to. I really think going to Guelph is the best option for me. My mom tried to argue that Guelph has terrible academics and is like the worst school in Canada when anyone who actually knows anything about the school knows that that's complete bullshit. Guelph completely slaughters York in everything.

As much as I think Guelph will be a great improvement for me, I'm terrified to tell my parents about it. Of course, I am a legal adult and could just flat-out tell them that I'm dropping out of York and going to Guelph. That wouldn't be a problem... IF I funded my own education. My parents pay for all of my schooling. I'm only working this summer to make money for rent next year. That's the only thing they won't pay for, and with my shortened summer, I don't even know if I'll be able to make enough money for that, let alone rent plus tuition and books. Really, they have me trapped into doing whatever they say because of money.

The only option left to me is to refuse their money altogether, drop out of university completely and spend a few years working until I have enough money saved up to go to school again on my own terms, but if I did that, I know Chris would be so disappointed. He'd support me no matter what I chose to do, of course but he'd still be disappointed. I don't think I could handle that. I can handle my parents hating me for the rest of my life, but knowing that Chris was disappointed in me would kill me.

I really hope I can convince my parents to let me go to Guelph; otherwise, I'll just have to settle for staying at York and hoping that living on my own will improve things for me there. I'm sure it will, but only marginally. I really think Guelph holds much more satisfaction and happiness for me.