Okay, I'm no longer having panic attacks and fits of uncontrollable hysterics over this, so I think I can write about it.

My parents found out about Guelph today.

Apparently, they got a letter in the mail, saying I'd applied. I knew the letter was going to get to my house at some point soon, but I was hoping it would hold off until after Mother's Day so I wouldn't upset her for Mother's Day.

Anyway, instead of calling me right away to find out what was going on and talk to me directly about it, my mom started posting mean and nasty things about me all over Facebook where all our friends could see it. I didn't even know about it until I went online to look at my Facebook notifications. When I saw it, I just told her to please stop posting personal stuff about us on Facebook where everyone can see and she basically just kept coming back with things like "i cn say wut i feel. ur the 1 bein imatoore!!!!!!" For the record, she actually types this way. I'm not making exaggerations to make her seem dumber than she really is. That's actually the way she is.

I just kept repeating to her to stop posting things about me on Facebook and she kept doing it. Then she called me, screaming and cussing at me. I never once raised my voice to her during that conversation and repeatedly asked her to speak calmly to me but she just kept screaming and swearing. She said that from now on, she and my dad refuse to ever pay a penny on me again. I can buy my own clothes, food, and pay for my own cell phone bill, tuition and books, and that they won't ever bail me out for anything, so don't bother asking them. She also told me that she was going to personally write a letter to the OSAP office and make sure they never give me any money to pay for school by telling them how much money my dad makes and that they were still supporting me. Essentially, she's trying to cripple me so I'll come crawling back under her complete control. That's not going to happen. I'd rather be homeless than controlled and manipulated out of my own happiness.

She ended up hanging up on me, then posted on her public Facebook wall so everyone could see that she doesn't want me to come home for Mother's Day. I won't say this didn't hurt. It did, but if that's what she wants, fine. Now I think she's trying to take it back and ask me to come home, but she made her choice. Now she has to live with it.

She even went so far as to email Chris and bully him into changing my mind. She basically told him that if he loves me, he'll make me stay at York because he knows that I'm throwing away all my dreams for him (WHICH ISN'T TRUE! I swear, she cannot get the fact that Chris is not an integral reason for the school transfer through her thick skull!) She lost any rights she had as my mother the second she tried to use the man I love against me. I will NEVER stand there and let him be used as a pawn! If my mother can't see that he is a human being deserving of only love and consideration for his well-being and happiness, then she's pathetic! I know better.

Chris basically just told her that he loves and supports me, no matter what decision I make.

Then Chris told me that Marilyn's started talking to him, otherwise RUDELY butting into my business, asking him what the hell was going on with me lately and why is my mom so upset with me. Newsflash: You're NOT my friend, Marilyn! My business is no longer your business as well! Keep your nose out of it, and most of all, keep Chris out of it!

None of this has been fair to him. He never asked to have all of this put on him, and never wanted to get involved in all of this directly, other than to comfort me personally through it. Now, both Shannon (from this point on, I'm not acknowledging her as my mother) and Marilyn have dragged him into this and made him the issue, when none of this has anything to do with him.

I was mad at Marilyn for being so rude to me about her concerns and expecting me not to go in the casino and be alone in Niagara Falls. I wasn't mad at her over Chris until she made it about Chris and basically made me choose. So I did. I don't regret my choice, either.

I was mad at Shannon for not listening to my reasons why I want to go to Guelph. The whole issue is the fact that she wants me to stay at York for the program (which I can't even get into for another two fucking years), and I want to go to Guelph for the better atmosphere, because I believe I'll do better in school when I'm happy at my school. She turned York vs. Guelph into Future/Parents vs. Chris, which is very unfair and ignorant of her, because she hasn't listened to me once when I tell her truthfully there is a whole huge list of reasons why I love the school and want to go there that don't involve Chris. She turned an issue that wasn't about Chris into a choice between her and Chris! In that case, I chose Guelph over York and not necessarily Chris over her, but that's how she views it.

Everyone's making separate issues into Chris issues, which is very unfair to Chris. He hasn't done anything wrong, and he's being blamed for every decision I make. I feel so awful for him. He doesn't deserve any of this. I keep trying to shield him from it and I keep telling them to leave him alone, because he isn't the issue, but they just won't stop bringing him into everything. I just want to (temporarily and figuratively) lock him up in a word-proof, harassment-proof room until they all go away where he can't get interrogated, verbally attacked or hurt. He's being punished for loving his girlfriend and supporting her decisions and that isn't right on any level.

I've lost track of time now, but a little while ago, my dad called me to yell at me. Turns out that not only is Shannon immature, but a dirty liar, too. He started yelling at me to keep our personal business off of Facebook. WOAH! HOLD UP THERE! EXCUSE ME??? Apparently, she told him that I was posting horrible statuses about her all over Facebook and she kept trying to tell me to stop, but I wouldn't and it was breaking her poor little innocent heart. You. Fucking. Dirty. Nasty. Vindictive. Vengeful. Hateful. LIAR!!!!! I told him the evidence was plain as day and to go look on Facebook himself if he didn't believe that her whole story was the other way around. Later, I went back on Facebook to re-add Joanna as a friend, since she's trying to work things out with me civilly and therefore I still feel inclined to patch up the friendship between us, and saw that Shannon had deleted every comment between us on her statuses! Now my dad has nothing but her word against mine, and he's never believed my word over hers. Never. I know she's going to twist everything and tell him that I just wouldn't keep our business off of Facebook and that I humiliated and embarrassed her in front of everyone; basically, every rotten thing she did to me! She always does that! She twists the truth to make her seem like the innocent victim when she's really the one making everyone else around her miserable, just like her own crazy mother! I just hope my dad has enough sense to look at her statuses, compare them to mine and see for himself that all of hers say something mean about me and my statuses don't mention any of this at all, but he won't. He'll just swallow any bullshit story she crams down his throat.

Now my cousin's talking to me on MSN. Shannon called my Aunt Michelle in hysterics and Devynn heard all about it so of course she hopped online to talk to me about it. I know she's trying to help, but she isn't going to make me change my mind on this. I'm not going back home, not while I'm constricted by her money and her rules. I know it's her house and the people in it have to obey her rules, but I also have the choice to decline living there if I don't like the conditions I'm bound to. I don't know where I'll stay during the summer, though. It will break my heart if I have to stay here and deal with an isolated and lonely summer, just like I had to deal with an isolated and lonely year.

I don't think OSAP can deny me money if they still think I'm in enough need of it, despite what Shannon writes to them. I'm not even sure if they're allowed to consider letters from pissed off mothers in their decisions if the student is eighteen or older. I don't think so...

Another bad thing on top of not being able to be home on Mother's Day is not being able to go to Chris' 20th birthday party. I'm trapped here, and that breaks my heart. The worst part is, even if I were to go home, I probably wouldn't be able to go, because his party's on Mother's Day and even if I split the day up between Shannon and Chris, Shannon would still be convinced that I'm choosing Chris over her. It's awful and heartbreaking. Why can't I be there for BOTH of them? I also had plans to see Chris' friends on Saturday, which can't happen now, and I know they're going to think I bailed out on them on purpose because I don't like them and that will make them hate me even more than they already do. Chris says he'll just tell them I'm busy with exams and that they'll understand, but I doubt it.

Awwww! Devynn and Uncle Ted are the best! I finally have two people who believe me and agree with me and want me to do what makes ME happy. Uncle Ted even told me that he's proud of me. That made me cry (good tears). That means so much to me. I don't feel like anybody's proud of me right now...

My head is pounding, I can hardly stand it; I can't seem to unclench my jaw, and I'm dizzy and nauseous. I need to end this blog here. Besides, there's nothing more to say.