So, while it was true that I ended my friendships with Marilyn and Joanna last night, I got an email from Joanna today, asking if we could work things out. At first, I was just going to flare up again and rudely blow her off, but then I remembered that Marilyn was the nasty bitch who insulted me and verbally attacked me on Facebook with no provocation, not Joanna, so I decided to write back to her and be calm about everything, since she was doing as much for me.

I wish I could just post both the conversation Marilyn and I had and the conversation Joanna and I had word-for-word right here on my blog. It would save a lot of typing and reiterating of what happened, but seeing as how I just recently explained to Alex that I didn't think it was right of her to quote me without my knowledge or permission, I'd be a hypocrite if I did the same thing to Joanna and Marilyn, as much as I hate Marilyn. That probably wouldn't please Alex at all, and I don't need to lose another friend. They were few and far between before, now they're severely dwindling into nothing.

I guess I'm just going to have to settle for reiterations. I'll use some direct phrases, but I won't reveal what's directly from them and I will also try to be as unbiased as possible in explaining the conversations. I'll quote myself, though. I'm not ashamed of anything I wrote.

I'm pretty sure I've already explained the whole situation with Joanna's birthday party and me bringing Chris. I know I probably made it seem like I just wanted an excuse to spend a night in Niagara Falls with Chris in my earlier posts, but you must remember that I had been fueling bitter hurt and resentment towards Marilyn and Joanna for a long time over them ignoring me and leaving me out of important outings. Of course getting a night together is nice, but the real reason I wanted to bring Chris is because I knew I'd be left alone in the hotel room while everyone else went to the casino and I wanted to bring someone with me who I could spend time with during those hours. Marilyn assumed I just used Joanna's birthday as an excuse to have sex with him (at least that's what she implied). I don't know why she would jump to a conclusion like that about someone like me or about someone like Chris.

----------

ASHLEIGH. 1. Is Chris permitted to attend the May 24 weekend at your place? If so, are there any particular rules about men and women sharing tents? It doesn't matter to either of us either way. I just wanted to be clear on it.

2. Are you planning on bringing Dylan to Jo's birthday in Niagara Falls? I know she said we could bring our boyfriends if we wanted and I asked Chris. He doesn't know if his dad's birthday will interfere and I'm not sure whether my cousin's birthday will interfere, but if it works out, we're both going. Also, the same question as your May 24 weekend applies. What's the situation with men and women sharing rooms? Again, not a huge deal, but it'd be nice to stay with Chris. I was just wondering if you knew what Jo's rules were.

MARILYN. (rough but accurate paraphrase) I already invited him to May 24. I don't care about tent arrangements. It's fine if you guys share. No, I haven't invited Dylan to Jo's party and you should ask her about sleeping arrangements.

ASHLEIGH. Oh, it's been a while since you sent out the invites, so I forgot who you invited and who you didn't. Sorry. :P

Okay, I will. I hope she doesn't get all weirded out by it. Well, if the only reason you're not bringing Dylan is because no one else is bringing their boyfriends, I'm bringing Chris if he can go, so you should invite him along if you want him to come. :)

So I heard you decided to go to Georgian after turning down... Canadore, is it? Congratulations. Wish someone would have told me about it, though.

MARILYN. I'm not inviting Dylan because it's Jo's birthday and I want to spend it with her and my friends. He's busy that weekend, anyway. I didn't tell anyone about Georgian. Just posted it on Facebook.

(I admittedly got a little snippy here, but I think keeping my answer short was the best way to go to avoid venting anger).

ASHLEIGH. Well, I never get to see Chris so I'm taking him.

MARILYN. That's not a good reason. It's Jo's birthday. I understand you don't see him much, but using Joanna's birthday as an excuse to spend a night with him is really pathetic. No one else is bringing their boyfriends because we know it's Jo's birthday, and you know Jo would never say to us we couldn't, but for once actually think about your friend for and not Chris.

(and here's me getting angry, but attempting to be as diplomatic as possible)

ASHLEIGH. Well, even you can admit that neither you or Jo have been very nice to me the last few months. You've both ignored me completely for the past two months, if not longer and then your idea of "including" me again is to invite me on a trip where I'll be stuck in a hotel room by myself all night long because I can't get into the casino? Um, thanks but no thanks. I want to celebrate Jo's birthday with the rest of you, but I don't want to be left behind all alone all night. I'm bringing Chris so that I'll be able to have SOME fun and go out and do something while you guys leave me out all night, and you know what?

If Jo lets the fact that I brought my boyfriend along so that I won't be lonely and left out the five or more hours you guys will be drinking and gambling ruin her whole birthday, then it's because she LET it ruin her birthday.

(and here's where Marilyn lost the right to be my friend)

MARILYN. Excuse me?! You haven't exactly talked to us or tried to communicate with us either. It's a two way street. If you didn't like the casino idea, why didn't you talk to Jo instead of making your own plans around her birthday? We won't be in the casino all night. Niagara Falls has a LOT of stuff to do. Why don't you for once think and communicate instead of assuming what is a lot of bullshit. There would be other people, someone would have hung out with you.

Also, it's not just the birthday. You are constantly making plans with Chris, but when was the last time you tried calling us or made plans with us? When we ask you, you say you're hanging with Chris, so we have just given up. If you'd rather hang out with him than us, that's your choice, but don't go using Jo's birthday trip as a cover up for a night with him. If you'd rather be with him, go to a hotel with him somewhere else. Everyone else got the hint not to bring their boyfriends, but you are obviously clueless to social cues.

(and here's where I gave up being diplomatic and informed her she can go to hell)

ASHLEIGH. You know what? If you want me to choose between you and Chris, that's an easy choice. Chris has been there for me every single time I needed him throughout this awful year. You never have. It's pretty simple to me.

So don't bother talking to me or inviting me to any more of your events. You and Jo can be bestest buds again without me as a hindrance and a third wheel, because that's the way it's always been, hasn't it?

Chris and I will go and have a lovely time on our own, thank you very much.

Again, most of Marilyn's speech is paraphrased but I did do my best not to let my own emotions skew what was originally being said. The parts that were direct were not put into quotes, because I've already explained that I think quoting someone without their permission or knowledge is wrong.

----------

So that's that conversation. The next morning, I woke up and checked my email and Jo wrote to me. Again, I won't quote her, but she basically said that she wants to try to work things out and that she's sorry if she hurt me by ignoring me and excluding me. She never meant to, and that she's been hurting, too. I emailed her back with this:

Jo,

It's true I took you both off my Facebook last night. I was very angry. I probably shouldn't have taken you off my Facebook without talking to you first, though and I'm sorry for that, seeing as how Marilyn was the one who was so blatantly rude to me, not you. As for Marilyn, she said some really hurtful and mean things to me last night and to be quite honest, I don't really want to try to continue to have a relationship with her after that, which is unfortunate, because I know that's going to make it hard for the rest of us to hang out as a group. I would still be fine with going to group outtings with her, and wouldn't try to make things difficult and as much as I dislike Marilyn right now, I think she'd be mature enough not to do that, either.

She called me pathetic and implied that I was selfish for bringing Chris to your party when I knew it would bother you and that if I didn't know, then I obviously didn't clue into social cues very well. She seems to think that I only want to bring him as an excuse to stay in a hotel room with him in Niagara Falls, but that's not the reason at all. I just wanted someone to hang out with while you guys were all at the casino, so I wouldn't be left by myself in the hotel room. I wasn't planning on ignoring you on your birthday because of Chris. We both really wanted to be there for you and spend time with you, but I just didn't want to get left out while you were all at the casino and I knew Chris would want to go on the trip. I know you guys don't want him around all the time, but he really likes all of you. When you said it was up to us if we wanted to bring our boyfriends, I assumed that meant that you were fine with us bringing them, you just didn't want to pay for extra people, which is completely understandable. Niagara Falls is an expensive birthday (but a fun one)!

I know I'm younger than the rest of you and that I'm less of a partyer than all of you (not that you guys are wild and out of control, or anything. I'm just saying in comparison, I don't party as much [drinking, gambling, etc]), but that doesn't mean I should be left by myself. I know it's your birthday and that's what you want to do for your birthday and that's completely fine. I just wanted to make sure I'd have somebody there to go do something else with while I couldn't be with you, that's all. That's why I invited Chris. I know he doesn't really like gambling much, so he'd be fine with staying behind with me. I'd feel guilty asking someone else to stay behind with me, because I know everyone else wants to go to the casino.

Anyway, that was my reasoning behind inviting Chris. It wasn't to hurt you or to have an excuse to do whatever Marilyn thinks we would be doing there. I just knew there was going to be a few hours time period where I'd be alone, so I invited a guest who wanted to come along to avoid being alone for that period of time.

As for both of us being hurt by not spending time with each other, I guess we both kind of just got closer with the people it was easier to see. It was easy for you to see Marilyn, because you live so close together, and it was easy for me to see Chris because we both live in cities where public transportation is easily accessible without a car and it was easy to hop on a bus to go see each other for weekends. The thing that hurt me most was that you took the road trip without me and we were planning that together for a long time. It made me think that neither of you missed me at all and there've been times I've cried all night because I missed you guys. I don't know if that's actually the way it was, but that's how it felt to me and that felt unfair; that I should be hurting so much without you guys while neither of you remembered me. Again, I'm not saying that's actually true, just how I felt.

Anyway, I understand if I'm uninvited to Niagara Falls, because of the awkwardness between Marilyn and me. I would still like to go and so would Chris and I hope you're not as opposed to me bringing him now that you know there was no malicious or sexual intent behind it (as Marilyn seems to think). Marilyn made it seem like you were really upset by my decision to invite him, but I thought it was okay and that you would just say you'd rather not have them there if it was a problem. I went by what was posted on the event wall, since that was all the information available to me.

If you'd still rather neither of us came, then I guess that's your decision. It would disappoint me seeing as how Marilyn initiated this whole angry situation and yet I was the one left behind, and I would also feel guilty for leaving Chris behind after I invited him. I'm not trying to coerce you into doing one thing over another. I'm just being honest about how I would feel, which I think is fair considering all the misunderstandings and miscommunications that have happened over the past couple of days.

I think that's pretty much my whole side or viewpoint on the subject. I hope you email me back and at least you and I can salvage something of our friendship.

Ashleigh.

----------

She messaged me back, saying that I was never once uninvited to her birthday. As far as she's concerned, I'm her friend and she still wants me there to celebrate with her.

I'd still like to go, but I would feel guilty for going and leaving Chris behind after I already invited him to come. It's not fair to him at all. I know he was really excited to go. Besides, I don't want to go and get left by myself still, and them assigning someone to keep me occupied while they go is just going to make me feel bad for that person because he/she can't go, too and has to stay with me. It won't be any fun at all if I'm feeling guilty for making someone stay behind. I still really want Chris to go.

Besides, I might not be able to go, anyway, since a situation with my mom has rendered me penniless. That's a story for another blog entry, though.