Okay, now that I think I'm over the whole weepy breakdown, I can write in my blog again. Yeah, I know. I've been crying a lot lately. Why am I crying tonight, you might ask? Well, I can't directly go into that without telling you all the backstory, so we'll get to that in a few paragraphs.

You see, lately I've been really, really homesick. Not so much for my parents and brother as for my pets, bed and just the home atmosphere itself. If I'm in Toronto for longer than a week at a time, I get very depressed. I didn't go home last weekend for some reason or another (I think my mom had baseball registration and my dad was overseeing the concrete being poured for the new garage). This week, I really wanted to go home. My dad called my grandma's house and I took the opportunity to ask him about it, but he told me that Grandpa's brother-in-law died and so the whole family was going to his wake and funeral. At first, I had no idea why that should affect me going home, because the wake my parents went to was on Thursday and the funeral was on Saturday. I didn't see why he couldn't take me home on the Friday. It was then that he explained to me that since my grandparents and aunt were going to the Friday wake, someone needed to watch Trinity, and someone also needed to stay behind to watch Trinity on Saturday during the funeral. At first, Tia (my aunt. Tatia means Aunt in Portuguese, but I always shorten it to Tia) said I could go home if I wanted and she'd just bring Trinity with her, but I know how Trinity gets around death and funerals. She's like me, she gets horrible anxiety attacks and since she's little, she panics and completely freaks out when she gets nervous. I knew it would make it easier on the whole family if I just stayed behind to babysit her. I choked out to my dad that I'd do it, because I was holding back a flood of disappointed tears (like I said, I was very, very homesick). My dad could tell that I was upset and felt bad, so he offered to take me home on Friday night after my Tia and grandparents got back from the wake and then drop me off again early the next morning to watch Trinity during the funeral, then take me home again for the rest of the weekend. I told him that was way too much hassle and needless moving around and told him I'd just stay until everyone got back from the funeral on Saturday afternoon, but could he please take me home then and bring me back early Monday morning before my first class. He agreed.

Now, you would think that would make me happy. I was fulfilling my familial duties and I still got to spend some time at home, right? Well, yes and no. While the outcome was the most desirable of the other available options considering the circumstances, this weekend was the weekend I was planning on trying to convince my parents to let me go to Guelph next year. I think I mentioned in a previous blog post that this topic alone would make my parents defensive and angry and that it was going to take more than a single conversation over morning coffee to convince them. I was banking on having the entire weekend to talk to them about it and hopefully get them to see my point of view and understand it enough to let me make this choice I want so badly. Even a single weekend isn't a whole lot of time to achieve this task. Now, because I had to stay at my grandma's until Saturday afternoon to watch Trinity, that plan got busted. I now only have essentially one day to convince them of this, which brings the odds of success down significantly. I can't wait longer to talk to them about this, because if I do, I may not be able to attend Guelph in September if I apply too late, plus I'll need to send in my residence application on time.

If they say no to this, I'm either stuck going back to York for another year or I have to put my foot down, claim my independance as an adult and tell them that I'm no longer accepting money from them, I'm applying for OSAP and getting a job and doing it all on my own. This I could technically do, but it's a scary prospect. I will do it though if I really can't get my parents to see eye-to-eye with me on this. The more I think about going back to Toronto and York next year, the more I want to sob and vomit. Literally. It literally makes me sick to think of going back there for another year and just completely crushes my spirit. I haven't felt emotionally stable since I went there in September. I need to make a change, or I'm afraid this depression is just going to spiral into something much, much worse. I'm always on the brink of an emotional breakdown as it is, and I know it's York that's causing this. I was such a happy person before September, and now I hardly recognize myself anymore, which scares me severely. I can't go back there next year. I'd rather drop out of school completely than go back, but the thought of doing that breaks my heart, too, because I can't bear the disappointment in me from Chris. I'm just not as strong as he is. I wish I was. I try so hard to be.

Aside from this awful, crushing stress, I've felt so isolated and alone lately, too. I've slowly started to drift apart from my two best friends, Joanna and Marilyn. I've been friends with them since I was ten years old, but we got really close when I was in grade 10-11. I always thought I could count on them for anything, that we could never ever drift apart. The three of us were friends for life, but I haven't seen or talked to either of them in months and they feel just like vague shadows in my memory now. It makes me so sad. I miss them so much. What really hurts is that they don't seem to be missing me at all. The three of us and a couple other friends of ours have been planning a road trip together for years. It was supposed to be this big, awesome event; just the group of us, hanging out in the car, blaring the radio and just having a good time and forgetting about all our problems for a few days. Unfortunately, the trip never happened, but we still had plans to do it eventually. Recently, I went on my Facebook account and saw in their statuses that they had all taken a road trip to North Bay and apparently had a last. There were pictures, too and they all looked like they were having way too much fun to remember me... they took that road trip without me! They didn't tell me! They didn't even try to tell me! They took our group road trip, left me behind and didn't even tell me about it. Not even two days later, I saw other statuses and pictures of them in Niagara Falls. We had all talked about going to Niagara Falls, too since we were in high school. My friend Alex says that Jo's told her I haven't been replying to her emails, but she's never sent me any emails... or Facebook messages... or phone messages... or text messages. Nothing. It's like they just forgot about me, and don't miss me at all, when I've been missing them so much this entire time. I haven't seen any of my friends in months. I'm not even sure if I still have friends anymore. I just feel so alone all the time.

I think I need to end this blog entry here. Not only am I starting to turn emo, but I'm crying so hard, I can't really seethe keyboard properly anymore.

Goodnight and sorry for being so depressing.